The Intention of Words: Listen Carefully

If you are a rejected parent listen carefully because what I am about to tell you is an important piece of surviving this nightmare of losing your living child.

I write this directly after working all week with families affected by a child’s induced psychological splitting, I write it in my spare time on a Saturday morning in London. Outside the sky is low and grey and it is cold.

The words you read on this blog come from my experience of working with families and from my training of clinicians.  These words are not from a book, nor are they from my imagination. They are directly from my experience of working with people affected by parental alienation.

When a child is alienated they are suffering from induced psychological splitting which causes them to shut down part of their internalised experience of self and dismiss it as being wholly bad and negative. They then project these negative beliefs onto you as the rejected parent and hide from you so that they do not have to encounter that which they have ‘decided’ to reject.

That makes you a simple by product of a process which has been created by the parent who has caused this problem to arise in the child.  It does not mean that you are to blame.

What it does do is make you very vulnerable to mind control.  Just as children who are pressured into using the defence of psychological splitting, so too are you, when the alienation reaction is in play in your family.  You too become vulnerable to splitting. And in a world where you are the villain of the piece, you will also start to see the world in black and white terms.  You know you are not the villain and so the parent who has caused this must be the villain.  You know that you are not what your child says you are and so anyone who comes near you must be educated to know that.

When a child enters into the state of induced psychological splitting and around them people are seeking to find out who has caused this, the finger most often points at you.  The fact that it is not you, causes you to feel angry, upset, anxious and afraid, you become defensive and begin to see the world in terms of good and bad.  You too are vulnerable to the split state of mind.

So vulnerable in fact that words can easily be used to manipulate your mind. I am going to show you how easy it is to do that.

First of all I want you to watch this video.

 

 

Can you see how easy the substitution of words can cause recall to change?  Can you see how, in times of heightened emotion, how easy it is for your memory to be manipulated leading you to believe something which isn’t true?

As a rejected parent you are constantly on high alert.  Your fear response in the brain is activated because you are constantly concerned for the child you have lost and the harm that is being done to them. That makes you vulnerable to mind control and what you read and what you hear in this state of mind can be manipulated.

Now I would like you to read the following two paragraphs.

In this respect the rejection of a parent is a simple by-product of what is going on in the relationship between the parent to whom the child is aligned, although that is not to say that the parent who is rejected has not also played a role on the road to the alignment becoming fixed and fused.

This is the complexity of the dynamic, which encircles the child like a slow gathering fog and which causes the unaware rejected parent to flounder around looking for footholds in an increasingly opaque existence.  If that parent slips into the traps set by the influencing parent, the entry into psychological splitting can be inadvertently speeded up. This is not to say that the rejected parent is to blame, it is to say that the risks to them in this landscape are also immense.’

What meaning do you make of those two paragraphs?  Do you read them and believe that I am saying that the rejected parent is to blame or do you read them and believe that  I am saying that a rejected parent is vulnerable to being tricked or trapped by the alienating parent and that the risks to them are high?

What if I remove the second paragraph and tell you that I am blaming the rejected parent for the alienation of their child? Now what sense do you make of it?

In this respect the rejection of a parent is a simple by-product of what is going on in the relationship between the parent to whom the child is aligned, although that is not to say that the parent who is rejected has not also played a role on the road to the alignment becoming fixed and fused.’

Do you immediately jump to the conclusion that I am a bad person and that I am blaming you for the alienation of your child?

Of course you do.

Taken out of context and told that you are being blamed for the alienation of your child, you, as a rejected parent will become outraged and react accordingly.  Just like the use of the words, ‘smash and bump‘ in the video, your mind, already vulnerable, can be easily manipulated by being presented with words taken out of context.

How easy it is for people to manipulate reality and use their role unwisely.

Did I say that you are to blame for your child becoming alienated? No I did not.  What I said was that you have a role to play and that can be either the helpless parent who is staggering around in the fog created by the alienating parent (read the paragraphs again) or it can be the aware and savvy parent who thinks for themselves and doesn’t get drawn into the heroes and villains narrative.

Don’t be fooled into seeing the world in black and white. Don’t lose your perspective or your critical thinking skills.

Be alert, be curious, question everything.

 

12 Comments

  1. Hello Karen,
    The ‘all good/all bad’ is everywhere and thank you again for reminding us that everything people say needs to be taken with a grain of salt. It reminds me of Dr. Elizabeth Loftus and her research about memory. Unfortunately, she was sued over it. As Dr. Loftus says, “Just because somebody tells you something, and they say it with confidence, and they express it with lots of detail, just because they express emotion when they say it, it doesn’t mean that it really happened.”

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  2. Hello Karen,
    The ‘all good/all bad’ is everywhere and thank you again for reminding us that everything people say needs to be taken with a grain of salt. It reminds me of Dr. Elizabeth Loftus and her research about memory. Unfortunately, she was sued over it. As Dr. Loftus says, “Just because somebody tells you something, and they say it with confidence, and they express it with lots of detail, just because they express emotion when they say it, it doesn’t mean that it really happened.”

    Like

  3. You wrote: “When a child is alienated they are suffering from induced psychological splitting which causes them to shut down part of their internalised experience of self and dismiss it as being wholly bad and negative. They then project these negative beliefs onto you as the rejected parent and hide from you so that they do not have to encounter that which they have ‘decided’ to reject.”
    By ‘encountering that which they have decided to reject’ reminds me of what Dr. Jordan B. Peterson said regarding soldiers who come back from war with PTSD, “… which often occurs because of something they watch themselves doing, rather than something that has happened to them. They react like the monsters they can truly be in extreme battlefield conditions, and the revelation of that capacity undoes their world.”

    Thank you for all you do
    For our children …

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  4. Very well done Karen.

    Its true.

    Perspective is really everything.

    Lots of love for the work you do.

    Praying everyday for my daughter and I.

    Colleen❤️🇨🇦🙏😇💕🍀💋☕️

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  5. I appreciate this article so much Karen and wish this advice and support had been around when I was going through the worst of this 14 years ago!

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  6. Karen,
    What you have said is so very true of us alienated parents. Most of the time I can maintain critical thinking much to the thanks of blogs like yours but somedays your resilience is low for whatever reason and you can fall into this black and white thinking. or the traps in the fog. My situation has just escalated in the last 3 weeks. My eldest child has been alienated for periods of time and when I do get time with her although we get along she still maintains that psychological split state and can flip quickly. my younger 2 daughters have been resistant and have maintained equal shared care for over 3 years now. Well in the last 3 weeks my ex has found leverage with my middle child and my poor eldest daughter has become the ‘recruiter’ to their side. I have seen a huge shift in my middle child’s attitude to my extended family and myself and it escalated this week where my eldest daughter was pressuring her to get in Dad’s car and get away from this shit hole. I now know exactly the signs and I think I have no choice but to go back to court. My heartbreaks watching my eldest become the recruiter for the middle child. The cultish aspects of it are chilling.

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  7. Thank you for this article.

    I have been reading your Blog for many years now and have been well educated, I believe, in respect to PA otherwise known as psychological splitting. I believe I am not thinking in the black and white and I think this is because of all the information I have received from you. I appreciate all that you write. I am hoping that my four children, now all in their twenties, will be able to come to see me and then realize that I am not the person they were led to believe.
    Thank you.

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  8. Just wanted to send a cyber hug (for what its worth) to Hey Freud!? and all others in an on going similar position. If only we didn’t all have to contend with this madness and if only I’d known then what I know now 😦

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    1. Thanks Willow. Our ongoing saga is having such an impact n each of my children. It’s not just my psychologically split eldest. My middle one has suddenly been heavily pressured to jump across and then my youngest is terrified of my eldest as she has witnessed countless aggressive attacks on me. From yelling “stop taking Daddy’s money, to “get a proper job” to “its your fault Daddy can’t buy us a home” and it goes on. My eldest also attacks my youngest when at bedtime she may talk about her life at Dads house for example she may say “we went to the beach on Sunday with Grandma” my eldest will yell out “stop talking about Daddy, it’s none of Mum.s business, Daddy doesn’t want you talking about him” then my youngest starts crying and says she is worried about seeing Daddy as she is going to get into trouble. It’s been emotionally draining and my heart is just torn in 3 ways and of course you are so conscious of not doing ANY alianting behaviour yourself.

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  9. So many garden paths in the labryinth that we get led up as
    children. Always a profound healing when you discover the
    minotaur is shaped from horse apples…

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  10. The following serves as an illustration of how things can go wrong in the family dynamic when considering the potential for parental alienation. This is not an exercise in blaming the target parent. It is something that target parents who can visualise the “bigger picture” can understand and act upon so as to counter further tendencies that will advance the alienation process.
    A better understanding of the nature of alienaton will empower the target parent and give them the confidence to strategise effectively. This is by no means a cure, it is a “tool” and comes with another attribute, called empathy.
    …………………………..

    Brian, as far as I know still doesn’t understand why rejecting his son, Craig with that, “I don’t want to have anything to do with you any more” “you are not my son” letter was a huge mistake.

    The irony is that when they all lived together as a family many years ago Brian would proudly take his son, Craig to the park to have a kick about……………………. that’s the sort of thing you might expect a Dad to do.

    Craig was the eldest of three children. Three and then two years separated him from his sisters Fiona and Kylie.
    However, Brian was unsettled and unsure of his relationship with his children’s mother, Jane. They would argue and he was in the habit of disappearing for months at a time, there was speculation he had another family somewhere up north.
    Despite his rocky relationship with Jane Brian formed good relations with his children, you could see from the family photos he was a tonic. His no nonsense parenting style clashed with the rather more liberal approach of Jane. Both parents could be hot headed.
    You can imagine that in Brian’s absence after one of his stand-off arguments with Jane it was Craig who took over his father’s duties, getting his younger sisters off to school on time, defending them when challenged by their peers at school, disciplining them etc. The younger sisters weren’t impressed but they had no choice, Brian, their real Dad wasn’t around.
    This “parentification” of Craig flourished every time Brian went away. Each time he returned it would be more difficult because Craig was having to switch roles, being father-like when his Dad was absent and son-like when his father was there. So, it is hardly surprising that the relationship between Brian and his son Craig took a turn for the worst.
    I don’t have the space here to tell the full story, but I hope to illustrate a point.

    As these things sometimes sadly do, this argument ended up in the Court room where mother along with Cafcass, Solicitor, Barrister, Guardian-ad-litem, snuffled out the whimpering’s of a lonely Brian, Litigant-in-person, condemning him to isolation, solitude and a conviction of “father failure”. He was banned from all contact with his children.
    Through the five or so desperate years it took to convict Brian, the false imprisonment, the non-molestation and prohibitive steps orders I had always maintained that Brian should not reject his son, I tried to explain “parentification” to him and would re-write his letter to his son Craig for him. Mine was the opposite of Brian’s; I would tell Craig that I loved him very much and fondly remembered playing with him in the park many years ago. I would apologise for not being around for him when he needed me. Most importantly I would make it known that I was available for him as a father.
    None of this seemed to register in the mind of Brian. He still imagined his own son to be bad, to have turned against him for no good reason; he blamed Jane. Jane is by no means innocent of all this family shenanigans, she manipulated the children against their father ‘telling lies, feigning physical danger when there was none.

    You may have noticed I haven’t mentioned how Fiona and Kylie felt. Sadly, they used to love playing with their father but over the years apart, we call them, “the courtroom years”, they were aided and abetted to reject the father, now a word unsaid or feared through alleged paedophilia. Struggles at school, bed wetting, arguments, sullen sunken faces, fearfulness of men all these things were present in their formative years.
    Brian fought to the last, in Court, standing up for his children (just his girls, not all his children) still not understanding where and how his fatherhood role had been lost.

    The ignorance and profound arrogance of the so-called “children’s guardian” who could only see the bed-wetting and fear in the young child as something caused by Brian’s anger……………. this was simply not the case.

    That apart I am still of a mind that Brian should understand why his son turned against him, why he should say such nasty things about him on social media, why he would assault and insult him. And even now I still want him to at least try to turn things around by behaving like the good and capable father that he is. I say to him, “imagine what it is like to walk in your son’s shoes” then write him a good letter. Show some compassion for your son.
    Will he do that? Who knows?

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