Karen Woodall – Psychotherapist, Writer, Researcher, Trainer

splitting n. (APA

1. in Kleinian analysis and Fairbairnian theory, a primitive defense mechanism used to protect oneself from conflict, in which objects provoking anxiety and ambivalence are dichotomized into extreme representations (part-objects) with either positive or negative qualities, resulting in polarized viewpoints that fluctuate in extremes of seeing the self or others as either all good or all bad. This mechanism is used not only by infants and young children, who are not yet capable of integrating these polarized viewpoints, but also by adults with dysfunctional patterns of dealing with ambivalence; it is often associated with borderline personality disorder. Also called splitting of the object.

Treatment of the problem of induced psychological splitting in children of divorce and separation is in its infancy in terms of both understanding of the problem and how to properly resolve it in the mind of the child. In my experience this is because of a focus on proving or disproving parental alienation theory or because the problem is mischaracterised as being about parent/child contact problems, both of which miss the point in terms of what is happening to the child. As in all clinical practice, to know what we are treating, we have to know what the problem is in the first place and it is therefore important, for those of us who work with alienated children and who achieve successful outcomes in our work with them, continue to raise awareness of what this problem really is for children of divorce and separation.

The problem is the child’s (re)entry into the use of primitive defences in a situation where they are under psychological pressure. Those defences of denial, splitting and projection are clearly displayed when the child is splitting parents into good/loving/caring/understanding and bad/unloving/disinterested/cruel. Splitting is a great defence in impossible circumstances because as a defence it feels real and brings with it respite from the awful psychological task of having to adjust to different realities. When splitting takes over as a defence, it feels real to the child, which means that the internalised sense of self has maladapted to the circumstances. In such scenarios, the only reality the child can tolerate is that which is inside their own mind and the mind of the child is aligned, a little like a venn diagram, with that of the influencing parent. When this internal state of mind is in play, the reality of the rejected parent must be expunged or expelled from the child’s mind, often vehemently and sometimes accompanied by false allegations.

When clinicians understand this pattern of behaviour they are able to look in the right direction to find what is wrong with the child. Understanding that in circumstances where children are rejecting with vehemence which is without foundation, they are under pressure from the parent they appear to be strongly or hyper aligned to, means that the examination of that relationship is where the focus is placed.

Understanding this is one thing, working with it is another and working with children in the split state of mind is what I have been doing for many years now. As I have built up case histories, I have been able to examine patterns of behaviours which are displayed by children who are splitting and in doing so have been able to see how splitting defends the child but is not fixed, nor is splitting projected in only one distinct way, there are many patterns of splitting which can be seen when one understands the internal defence structure of children of divorce and separation.

To understand the internal defences one must look at the external object relationships. Object relationships in childhood, are those relationships with important caregivers which become internally represented. The subject self, relates to the internal object representations as well as the external relationship objects. When the external objects are split into good/bad, it is a projection of the subjective self to internal object relationships, which means that when we hear the child saying good parent/bad parent, what the child is really saying is good self/bad self, which denotes ego splitting is in play.

ego-splitting n. (APA)

1. in psychoanalytic theory, the ego’s development of opposed but coexisting attitudes toward a phenomenon, whether in the normal, neurotic, or psychotic person. In the normal context, ego-splitting can be seen in the critical attitude of the self toward the self; in neuroses, contrary attitudes toward particular behaviors are fundamental; and in psychoses, ego-splitting may produce an “observing” part of the individual that sees and can report on delusional phenomena.

2. in the object relations theory of Melanie Klein and British psychoanalyst W. Ronald D. Fairbairn (1889–1964), fragmentation of the ego in which parts that are perceived as bad are split off from the main ego as a mechanism of protection. See also splitting.

Using the object relations theory of Klein and Fairbairn, it is possible to understand how children of divorce and separation defend against the internalised conflicts of a parent they are being terrorised by. Terrorisation comes in many forms, here are some examples –

• abandonment threat (if you love him you don’t love me and I will leave you)
• coercive control (if you go to see her I will cause you to feel very afraid of me)
• emeshment (you and I are as one, I know you feel as I do)
• emotional incest (love me as I need you to, your world is my world)
• separation anxiety (I may not be here when you get back)
• direct instruction to hate (if you love me you must hate him)

Note that all of the above bar the last one are inter-psychic dynamics, they do not require anything other than a hyper attunement of the child to the parental state of mind. In the same vein, there is another layer of inter-psychic relational dynamics which can cause a child to split as a defence, these are based on a sense of injustice which is conveyed to the child through everyday commentary in which the child is led to believe that normal parenting is either deficient or abusive. In some circumstances, the child is made to believe that others wanting to spend time with them is somehow intrusive meaning that the child finds all relational dynamics which are not acceptable to the influencing parent, are suspect or harmful.

Treating this problem requires a careful stepwise approach which protects the child from the continued influence of a harmful parent and then, using the language of parts, invites the child into a dialogical relationship with their internalised object relationships. The language of parts is well described by Internal Family Systems Therapy but in children of divorce and separation, there are distinct characters which are present because of the splitting defence. Over time I have come to know those parts –

The Diplomat (the part which eschews all aspects of own needs in order to meet the needs of others in the system so that the system is always balanced).

The Intelligence Agent (the part which learned to act on behalf of the influencing parent to gather intel and feed this back to the influencing parent).

The Agitator (the part involved in stirring up the system whenever it was required).

The Champion/Defender (the part which rides out to defend the influencing parent).

The Intellectual (the part which hoovers up and holds knowledge in order to protect from shame).

The Fearful Child (the terrorised self which is in hiding).

The Free Child (the authentic aspect of self which is being protected by the splitting defence).

Working with these parts enables the child to respond rather than defend, the language we use in doing so and the setting in which we do it is an essential part of the process. For example, if we sit the child in a room opposite us and ask questions, the intellectual part is likely to come out, whereas if we put the child into a setting with the parent in the rejected position without protection from the influencing parent being put in place first, the champion/defender or agitator part will come out. When working with older adults who were alienated, the diplomat is the part which appears first in therapy, (the adapted compliant self), often followed by a part of self which appears superior or diseganged (the omnipotent self). In the transference with older adult children, it becomes apparent that the good/bad split is not a good parent/bad parent split but a good me/bad parents split. This is a stage which is seen just prior to the resolution of splitting in which the defence begins to crumble and the recovery of the whole child becomes possible.

Recovering the whole child is the project we are deeply engaged in at FSC, it is the trail we have been on for many years, to find a way to enable children of divorce and separation to heal the splitting which causes so much misery in childhood and beyond. In doing so we have come to recognise that the most valuable asset a therapist can have in this work is a parent in the rejected position who is trained in therapeutic parenting, who is recovered from reactive splitting (caused by the child’s projections) and who can provide a stable re-entry point for the child into the whole sense of self.

Walking with alienated children until they can walk on their own again is what I have done for a long time now. Splitting is a diversion from living an integrated life and when we know what we are dealing with, we know how to treat it. Treating the problem is about returning the child to the path which is theirs and enabling them to walk on it as a whole person again, how we get to that path is about close attunement to the lived experience of the victims of child abuse who have been ignored for far too long.

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News from the Family Separation Clinic

Our clinical handbook for practitioners is in revision and will be available in the coming months.

Our Therapeutic Parenting for Children of Divorce and Separation Handbook includes the language of parts and how to use this with children in recovery, this will be available soon.

Listening Circles for Therapeutic Parents of alienated children continue – book here

Holding up a Healthy Mirror – a course for parents in the rejected position who want to use therapeutic parenting to assist their children in recovery, will be available on demand soon.

The Lighthouse Keeper – A Therapeutic Parenting Four Day Intensive in California 2024

This is advance notice of a four day face to face intensive in Therapeutic Parenting for Alienated Children with Karen and Nick Woodall which is planned for California in early 2024.

This intensive will include –

• The embodied experience of trauma
• Polyvagal theory in recovery from trauma
• The use of self in assisting your child
• Understanding attachment and its maladaptations in divorce and separation
• Attuning to the felt sense of being alienated
• Mentalisation skills
• Using the language of parts with alienated children
• The Principles of light house keeping for parents in the rejected position
• Writing to your alienated child
• Mapping and Pacing for Recovery work
• Rewiring the attachment system
• Helping teenagers to resolve splitting

And much more…. (individual consultations will be included in the overall cost).

The cost of this four day intensive will be on a sliding scale to enable as many parents to join us as possible, details of dates, full content and accomodation etc will be available soon.

To register your interest please email karen@karenwoodall.blog with The Lighthouse Keeper in the subject