Karen Woodall – Psychotherapist, Writer, Researcher, Trainer

Alienation of children in divorce and separation is caused when a child becomes trauma bonded to an abusive parent. Trauma bonding, which is well recognised in the psychological literature describes the child who is psychologically bound to an abusive parent, when they are captured in a dynamic which is seen when a person forms a deep emotional attachment with someone that causes them harm (Kobita, Tyrka, Kelly, et al, 2008). Such a dynamic often develops from a repeated cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement in situations where there is an asymmetrical power imbalance between two people (Dutton& Painter, 1981; Ferenczi, 1931, 1932, 1949; Howell, 2014a; Stark, 2023). Children who suffer from trauma bonds in divorce and separation are those who have been drawn into a pattern of harmful dynamics, whether created intentionally or unintentionally, by one parent against the other, sometimes due to the psychiatric or psychological profile of that parent, at other times due to the coercive control strategies. As a result, the child is often joined with the parent who is causing harm, in a fixed and fused coalition against the other parent and is strongly resistant to efforts to ameliorate that behaviour. (Haley, 1997; Vanwoerden, Kalpakci, & Sharp, 2017).

Alienation of a child in relational terms means the onset of splitting, which is a pattern of behaviours rooted in primitive defences (Klein, 1946; Fisher, 2017). This presentation, which looks like a strong alignment to an idealised parent and a vehement rejection of a demonised other, signals the child’s regression from the capacity to hold more than one reality in mind, to an infantile position which lacks ambivalence. Inducing a child to regress to this state of mind, can be considered abusive because it interferes with the child’s developing sense of self. Alienation in this sense, refers to the child’s separation from their own authentic sense of self and as such it can be considered to be a childhood relational trauma.

The Family Separation Clinic in London continues to focus upon the development and delivery of education, therapy and recovery work which is focused upon the child’s lived experience. This work, which includes therapeutic support of children who are removed from abusive parents in residence transfer, is currently being delivered in several countries around the world, including The Netherlands, Australia, the USA, Hong Kong and the UK. The focus of the work is upon enabling children and young people who are trauma bonded to abusive parents to reconnect to their own sense of self and through that to the healing power of the parent they have rejected. Contrary to the claims made by campaigners seeking to obfuscate the trauma bonded child’s experience, this work restores an integrated sense of self in the child and through that, gives back the potential for a healthy future.

References

Draczynska, Dorota. (2023). Relational trauma/Trauma relacyjna. Psychiatria Polska. 1-11. 10.12740/PP/OnlineFirst/156722.References

Dutton, Donald & Painter, Susan. (1993). Emotional Attachments in Abusive Relationships: A Test of Traumatic Bonding Theory. Violence and victims. 8. 105-20. 10.1891/0886-6708.8.2.105.

Fernczi, s. (1931) Notes and Fragments: Relaxation and eduction. In M. Blaint (Ed). (E. Mosbacher, Trans.) Final contributions to the problems and methods of psycho-analaysis . Karnac Books

Ferenczi, S. (1949). Confusion of tongues between the adult and the child. The International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 30, 225–230.

Fisher, J. (2017). Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors: Overcoming internal self-alienation. Routledge.

Haley, J. (1977) Toward a theory of pathological systems in Watzlawick, P. and Weakland, J.(Eds.), The interactional view. WW Norton.

Howell, Elizabeth. (2012). Understanding and Treating Dissociative Identity Disorder: A Relational Approach. Understanding and Treating: Dissociative Identity Disorder: A Relational Approach. 1-308. 10.4324/9780203888261.

Klein, M. (1946). Notes on some schizoid positions. The International Journal of Psych-Analysis, 27: 99-110.

Kobita Rikhye, Audrey R. Tyrka, Megan M. Kelly, Gerard G. Gagne, Andrea F. Mello, Marcelo F. Mello, Lawrence H. Price, Linda L. Carpenter, Interplay between childhood maltreatment, parental bonding, and gender effects: Impact on quality of life, Child Abuse & Neglect, Volume 32, Issue 1, 2008.

Stark, E. (2023). Children of Coercive Control. United States: Oxford University Press.

Vanwoerden, Salome & Kalpakci, Allison & Sharp, Carla. (2017). The relations between inadequate parent-child boundaries and borderline personality disorder in adolescence. Psychiatry Research. 257. 10.1016/j.psychres.2017.08.015.

Recovering Futures: International Symposium – 12th September 2024 – Cambridge University

Recovering Futures: International Symposium on Childhood Relational Trauma in Divorce and Separation will be held at Cambridge University on 12th September 2024 and will present papers from several countries which are focused upon the child’s lived experience of being trauma bonded to an abusive parent. Central to the Symposium are the presentations of two young adults who were removed from abusive parents by the UK Family Court and whose lives were changed for the better because they were protected from harm. The testimony of these young adults, who were moved over a decade apart, demonstrate the common patterns of harm which occur when children are trauma bonded and the complexities of dynamics which are often poorly understood by professionals. The voices of these young adults contradict the now almost constant distortions of the reality of the work which is done to protect children who are trauma bonded and give a clear and unique insight into the plight of children who are suffering from a serious but hidden form of child abuse. These young adults, who are part of a group of young people whose experience of being removed from abusive mothers and fathers in divorce and separation, are the first to speak in public about their experience. In doing so they are leading the way to a greater transparency about what happens to children who are moved in residence transfer in the family courts in the UK and other countries. As such these young adults are pioneering a new route forward for children at risk of trauma bonding, by describing how and why they became so rejecting of a parent they loved. Offering insight into the lived experience of children in the family court system, these young adults give voice to those who have been silenced by advocates for parents for far too long.

You can hear the voices of these young adults along with presentations from Clinical Psychology, Psychotherapy, Social Work, the Legal Professionals and more, either online or in person below.