Narcissistic wounding, often referred to as a narcissistic injury, is a deep psychological hurt that disrupts an individual’s sense of self. This wound can stem from early childhood experiences of shame, rejection, or inadequacy, creating a fragile ego that is highly sensitive to criticism or perceived threats. In parents who suffer from narcissistic wounding, the unresolved emotional pain can manifest in damaging ways, particularly in how they relate to and project their feelings onto their children. When narcissistic wounding remains unresolved for example, the parent may project their unmet emotional needs, insecurities, and frustrations onto their children, treating them as extensions of their own psyche rather than independent beings with their own needs and emotions. These projections can have far-reaching effects on a child’s development, self-esteem, and relationships.
Narcissistic wounding occurs when an individual’s idealized self-image is shattered or severely threatened, usually during a formative period in childhood. According to Kohut (1977), narcissistic wounds arise from the failure of caregivers to provide the child with necessary validation and empathy. Without these emotional supports, the child’s developing sense of self becomes fragile and prone to self-aggrandizement or extreme sensitivity to criticism in adulthood. Divorce and separation often have profound impacts on children, reshaping their relationships with parents and altering their sense of stability. In some cases, the dynamics between the parents can lead to narcissistic projection from parent to child which refers to the process where a parent projects their narcissistic traits onto the child, coercing them into rejecting the other parent.
Parenting in a world of projections
Projection, as a defense mechanism, involves attributing one’s own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or motives to another person. In the context of parenting, a narcissistically wounded parent may project their feelings of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, or shame onto their child. This serves to protect their fragile ego from confronting painful realities about themselves. Freud (1911), first described projection as a way for individuals to cope with their own unconscious anxieties by externalizing them onto others. Children become the natural targets of these projections because they are vulnerable and dependent, making them more susceptible to the emotional influence of their parents. A parent who perceives themselves as a failure might, for example, label their child as inadequate or ungrateful. The parent’s internal shame or anxiety about their worth is imposed on the child, who internalizes these projections and often starts to see themselves through the distorted lens of the wounded parent.
Narcissistic projection involves a parent who manipulates a child’s emotional world, imposing their own needs and feelings onto the child. As a result, the child often internalises the views of this parent and becomes aligned with their narrative, particularly in rejecting the other parent. This process is driven by the narcissistic parent’s need to control the child’s emotional loyalty, disregarding the child’s autonomy and emotional needs. Narcissistic implantation is not merely about turning a child against a parent, but about reshaping the child’s identity to serve the psychological needs of the narcissistic parent. In these cases, children are deprived of their ability to form independent thoughts and emotions about both parents. The child’s role is redefined: they become an extension of the narcissistic parent rather than an individual with their own desires and emotional attachments, the child becomes a prisoner of a narcissistic parent’s mind and this creates a self alienation in the child as the authentic self is super-imposed by the false self which is an internalised version of the narcissistic parent self.
Narcissistic projection frequently occurs when one parent, usually with a history of unresolved trauma or deep emotional issues, cannot cope with the psychological pain of family separation. Rather than processing these feelings healthily, the narcissistic parent projects their emotional instability onto the child. By recruiting the child to “reject” or distance themselves from the other parent, the narcissistic parent attempts to mitigate their own feelings of rejection and abandonment. Children of narcissistic projections are frequently cut off from a healthy parent, even if that parent has been a loving and supportive presence. The child’s rejection of this parent is typically not based on reality, but on a distorted narrative constructed by the narcissistic parent. This leaves the child looking in ‘empty mirrors’, which is a way of describing the lack of capacity that parents with narcissistic traits have, for mentalising or reflecting back to the child a sense of themselves as a separate and unique individual capable of having their own thoughts and feelings. In the long term, children subjected to narcissistic projection often struggle with identity issues, low self-esteem, and difficulties with emotional regulation. They may also develop narcissistic traits themselves, having learned from the narcissistic parent that manipulation and control are the primary means of navigating relationships.
Narcissistic projections in parenting apart
A narcissistically wounded parent may project their need for validation onto the child by placing unreasonable expectations on them. The child is expected to excel academically, socially, or in appearance as a way of reflecting positively on the parent. Failure to meet these unrealistic expectations may result in the parent using punishments to reinforce feelings of inadequacy in the child. As Miller (1997) explains in The Drama of the Gifted Child, these parents view their children as instruments for achieving their own unfulfilled dreams, leading to the child’s emotional entanglement in the parent’s unresolved issues.
Narcissistically wounded parents often see their children as extensions of themselves rather than separate individuals. This over-identification can manifest in attempts to control the child’s life to align with the parent’s desires, feelings, and worldview. For instance, a parent who fears rejection may impose that fear onto their child by discouraging the child from forming independent relationships. In these cases, the child is emotionally trapped by the parent’s unresolved fears and is unable to develop their sense of self.
A wounded parent may manipulate their child emotionally, projecting their sense of inadequacy or abandonment onto the child to create guilt. The child may be made to feel responsible for the parent’s emotional well-being, leading to a role reversal in which the child becomes a caretaker or emotional buffer for the parent. This dynamic leaves the child burdened by feelings of guilt or unworthiness, preventing them from asserting their own emotional needs.
Another common projection is devaluation. The narcissistically wounded parent, in an attempt to avoid their own internal shame or feelings of inadequacy, may belittle or criticize the child harshly. The parent’s inability to accept their own faults gets deflected onto the child, who becomes the scapegoat for the parent’s frustrations. Over time, this leads to the child internalising a negative self-image, believing they are inherently flawed or unlovable.
Impact on Children
The projections from a narcissistically wounded parent can have severe psychological consequences for children. The constant imposition of the parent’s emotional needs and anxieties deprives the child of the space needed to form a healthy, independent sense of self. This can be understood as an emotional enmeshment, in which the child’s identity becomes entangled with the wounded parent’s unmet emotional needs. The child is left carrying emotional burdens that are not their own, resulting in issues such as low self-esteem, anxiety, and an inability to set healthy boundaries in relationships (Woodall, 2024).
Children of narcissistically wounded parents often grow up with distorted beliefs about themselves. For instance, they may believe that love is conditional upon meeting the unrealistic expectations placed upon them, or that they are responsible for managing other people’s emotional states. These internalised beliefs can lead to struggles in forming healthy adult relationships, as they may either repeat the patterns of projection they learned from their parent or become vulnerable to further emotional manipulation in future relationships.
Treating children experiencing narcissistic projection
Protecting and constraining (structural intervention)
The problem for children of narcissistically wounded parents is that unless the parent who is projecting can be helped to have insight into their own unresolved issues, the child does not have the space or protection from the continued projections, which is why a child protection approach is necessary for all children of divorce and separation who are captured in these enmeshed dyadic relationships. Using a structural approach in which protection is the first priority, therapeutic focus can begin when the child is in protected space away from the parent who has control.
Untangling projections and addressing attachment maladaptations
For children, healing from the effects of parental projection involves rebuilding their sense of identity and self-worth. Therapy can help these children recognize the emotional burdens they were made to carry, allowing them to release these projections and form an authentic self. Understanding that they were not responsible for the emotional pain of their parents can help liberate them from the feelings of guilt or inadequacy they may have internalised. In the short, medium, and longer term, the best person to help the child to build a stronger sense of self and an internal world which is free from fragmentation and distortion is the parent who has been rejected. This is because it is this parent who can provide the anchoring in loving reciprocity which enables the child to internalise a new reality.
What do we mean by Holding up a Healthy Mirror?
- Balanced Reflection: Just as a mirror shows a true reflection, this concept refers to showing individuals, especially children who have suffered narcissistic projection, a balanced, unbiased view of reality, as opposed to one shaped by one-sided narratives or narcissistic wounding.
- Therapeutic Aim: The goal is to help individuals, especially children, understand the true dynamics of their family relationships without the interference of projection allowing for more genuine connections and healing.
- Restoring Self-Perception: For children who have been manipulated, holding up a healthy mirror can help them regain an authentic sense of self, as projection can distort their self-image and relationships with both parents as well as their memory and internalised experiences.
In summary, holding up a healthy mirror is about showing individuals the truth of their relationships, free from distortion, helping them heal and re-establish healthy connections within the family.
News from the Family Separation Clinic
Josh and Alex’s Testimonies
The powerful testimonies of Josh and Alex from our Symposium on 12th September at Cambridge University will shortly be available to hear and I will post links to the audio recordings, which will be hosted by the Family Separation Clinic here.
Josh was a child who suffered from narcissistic projection and his testimony is particularly compelling for those working to understand how this dynamic affects children.
The book written by Alex Dean is now available to purchase from the Family Separation Clinic website here
Please note if you pre-ordered your book it is available now for you to purchase using the same link.
Saturday Seminars for Fall 2024
About our Saturday Seminar Series with Karen Woodall
The Saturday Seminar series runs throughout the year with a focus on different aspects of therapeutic parenting for parents who have been rejected by their children due to trauma bonding in divorce and separation. The series is for mothers and fathers and provides guidance, psycho-education, reflexive space and support for parents at each stage in this family attachment journey. Led by Karen Woodall, a psychotherapist with thirty years experience in working with families affected by the crisis of attachment trauma which involves psychological and emotional as well as physical and sexual abuse, this seminar series is for you if you are:
- new to the experience of a child’s rejection
- stuck in a place where a child is completely rejecting of you
- frightened or bewildered by a child’s behaviour towards you
- on the path out of the child’s rejection with some reconnection
- fully reconnected but recognising that your child still needs help
About Therapeutic Parenting and Alienated Children
The core problem for children who are hyper aligned to one parent and rejecting of the other in divorce or family separation is the trauma bonded state of mind which causes disorganised attachment behaviours. This form of abuse is well hidden, even from the child who suffers from it and who may not realise that their bond with an abusive parent is harming them. Conversely, the child recognises the harm but is powerless to escape, meaning that the double bind they are in causes them to maladapt their behaviours with the parent who is the rejected position.
As that parent there is a great deal that you can do to protect your child and protect yourself from the longer term harms this family attachment trauma causes. Therapeutic parenting, which was first developed to help children who were removed from harmful parents to be fostered or adopted, is a way of responding to the behaviours of alienated children which enables them to receive healthy love and care from you, even if you are not able to see your child at all.
About Karen Woodall
This series is delivered by Karen Woodall and is based on her successful work with alienated children over fifteen years. Drawing upon her psychotherapeutic experience as well as her research and direct work with alienated children in recovery, Karen offers you a unique insight into the world that the alienated child inhabits whilst helping you to understand how to build a path for the child to walk upon to return to you. Beyond that, Karen will assist you to understand the alienated child in recovery and their unique needs for longer term therapeutic parenting which helps them to integrate all of the lost parts of self. The wealth of knowledge and experience of direct work with families to help them to integrate and recover from this serious trauma that Karen offers, makes this series an experiential, warm and effective opportunity to create your own positive outcomes for your alienated child(ren).
We have two new Saturday Seminars coming up
Exploring the healthy mirror
An online event for parents of alienated children and their families with Karen Woodall
Saturday 16 November 2024
This two-hour event will be delivered on Zoom between 09:00 and 11:00 UK Time for Australia/New Zealand & Hong Kong timezones and 17:00 and 19:00 for USA & Canada timezones.
A Zoom link for this event will be included in your order confirmation (please contact us, immediately, if you do not receive this).
Cost £40.00
Sending joy at Christmas – A seasonal seminar of hope and recovery from the Lighthouse Keepers -A free online event for parents of alienated children and their families with Karen Woodall
Saturday 14 December 2024
Cost: Free
This two-hour event will be delivered on Zoom between 09:00 and 11:00 UK Time for South Asia timezones and 17:00 and 19:00 for USA & Canada timezones.
This is a free event for all parents in the rejected position in gratitude for the dedication that parents in this situation show to healing their children. As such friends and families are welcome to join but you MUST comply with conditions below.
Terms and Conditions
Please note that all those who are joining our free events MUST give a valid email address and will be checked in visually from 15 minutes prior to the event starting. All cameras will be required to be on at all times during this event to ensure security. Anyone who does not comply with these terms and conditions will be removed by the event management team.The Lighthouse Academy
The Lighthouse Academy – coming soon…
The Lighthouse Academy is where you will find all of our courses and resources to support your therapeutic parenting journey from early 2025. Our Holding up a Healthy Mirror course, Higher Level Understanding Coaching Groups, Lighthouse Keeping Therapy Group and our Mums and Dads Groups will all be found within the Lighthouse Academy alongside our new books and guidance to help you on your journey. For those who want to work with us intensively there will be opportunities to subscribe and those who want to drop in when it helps can do so flexibly.
The Lighthouse Academy is for all parents and wider family members who want to help their children to heal from harm caused by all of the dynamics seen in families where children are trauma bonded in divorce and separation. We are working on building the Lighthouse now and look forward to welcoming you to it very soon.
Karen Woodall - Psychotherapist, Writer, Researcher, Trainer 
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