Karen Woodall – Psychotherapist, Writer, Researcher, Trainer

In the context of children’s rejection of a healthy parent after divorce and separation, narcissistic abuse is seen to play a significant part, it is often the reason why the alignment and rejection dynamic becomes so entrenched, the underlying cause being a child’s alignment with a frightening caregiver who is using strategies designed to strip the child of agency. In many such circumstances, the switch to controlling the child, through the behavioural manipulations seen in narcissistic abuse, is often 

Whilst many therapists working with children’s alignment and rejection behaviour are focused on reunification (between rejected parent and child), this is not the real problem and so the dynamics really need unpacking in detail to understand how to heal family systems affected by this dynamic. Contrary to what many people believe, you do not have to prove parental alienation, resist/refuse dynamics, child and mother sabotage, in order to heal the underlying dynamics, although for some families, where the power over the child is severe and hiding hidden harm in the relationship between coercive parent and child, it may be necessary to do so in Court. This is because where coercion of a child is hiding abuse and it is apparent that the child is trapped in the mirror of the abusive parent, it may require a strong intervention to release the child from the power the parent holds over them.

It is not possible to persuade, pull, push or punish an alienated child out of the alignment and rejection dynamic and we should not try. This is because if a child is regulating a frightening or unpredictable caregiver, it is because they are afraid of that person. Whilst that fear may look like love, careful observation demonstrates that the hyper-attunement is about being able to predict when the mood of the controlling parent shifts. These are children who have been terrorised into submission and their behaviours are often robotic, their faces frozen and watchful, a presentation I have come to call ‘zombie face’ over the years.

In actual fact frozen watchfulness is a recognised presentation in abused children and The Crown Prosecution Service in the UK has a list of things which are often seen in children who are being abused. Some of these are exactly what is seen in children who are being abused behind closed doors in situations where they are regulating a controlling parent and being forced to reject the other.

Excerpt from the Crown Prosecution Service guidance

Evidence of emotional and behavioural consequences of child abuse is frequently presented in the following way -impaired capacity to enjoy life -abused children often appear sad, preoccupied and listless;

• psychiatric or psychosomatic stress symptoms, for example, bed-wetting, tantrums, bizarre behaviour, eating problems etc;
• low self-esteem – children who have been abused often think they must be worthless to deserve such treatment;
• school learning problems, such as lack of concentration;
• withdrawal – many abused children withdraw from relationships with other children and become isolated and depressed;
• opposition/defiance – a generally negative, uncooperative attitude;
• hyper-vigilance – typified in the “frozen watchfulness” expression;
  compulsivity – abused children sometimes compulsively carry out certain activities or rituals; and
• pseudo-mature behaviour – a false appearance of independence or being excessively “good” all the time or offering indiscriminate affection to any adult who takes an interest.

Narcissistic abuse is an inter-personal terrorism, which relies upon the complete dependence of the victim on the perpetrator and in post separation dynamics, the risk of the child telling the outside world that they are being controlled, is exacerbated when the child spends time with the other parent. Thus the child must be controlled to reject the other parent, this is achieved through repeated gaslighting, which convinces the child that their own feelings are unreliable, it is also achieved through telling the child that the other parent is harmful and sharing stories about things that the other parent is supposed to have done. The goal of this pattern of behaviour is to render the child unable to trust their own sense of the world and have the child only rely upon the controlling parent for guidance. In this way, the child loses trust in their own internal working model of self which is replaced by the implantation of the parental demands.

That pseudo maturity, the false appearance of being independent or excessively good is repeatedly seen in children who are in this situation, it arises because the child no longer has any sense of safety or trust in their own internal world. Now the parent is fully in control of the child, having control on the outside as well as the inside. A child who is unable to think for themselves because they cannot trust the evidence of their own internal experience, is a child who can be manipulated to do anything a parent needs them to do. When this is combined by the cycle of intermittent punishment and reward, which keeps the trauma bond in place, the frozen watchfulness which is recognised as evidence of child abuse by the Crown Prosecution Service in the UK, appears.

Narcissistic abuse is a deeply harmful pattern of abuse which is perpetrated by some parents against children in divorce and separation, leading to the alignment and rejection behaviour which is referred to as alienation. It is a hidden harm at home which is often only recognised when the family enters the private law system due to concerns about the child’s rejecting behaviour. Although narcissistic abuse is well known in adult to adult relationships, it is less understood in parent/child abuse. Narcissistic traits in parents are evidenced by primitive defences of blame shifting, gas-lighting, manipulation of reality, mocking and humiliation and grandiosity. Becoming trapped in such a parent’s manipulative mirror, causes many children to adapt their behaviours to show the signs of abuse which are well recognised. The risks to children who become trapped in this cycle, is that they will grow up believing that being abused is what love feels like. These children risk going into abusive relationships in their older years because their internal working model of self causes them to be unable to see the warning signs.

Learning about narcissistic abuse enables a deeper understanding of the behaviours of children who align with abusive caregivers and reject healthy loving parents. Unlocking the door to escape this psychopathology, brings freedom in the here and now as well as in the future.

FSC Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Group – Begins September 2025

This video is designed to help you to decide which course is best for you. As we continue to unpack all of the elements of the attachment trauma which causes your child to reject you, understanding and recovering from narcissistic abuse is just one part of the journey. When you know what the problem is, you know how best to deploy your energies to treat it, we are here to help you to understand as well as to help you to help your child(ren). Our courses are packed full of therapeutic strategies to support your to make the switch from helpless and reactive to confident responding. We look forward to working with you in the coming months.