The horror of being rejected by a child in circumstances where you have done nothing to cause it, is called ‘fear without solution‘ in attachment terms. It is the result of being placed into a situation that you have no control over, cannot resolve and are blamed for. In this respect, parents in the rejected position, who have any kind of inner child wounds from their own childhood, will be triggered into the same kind of disorganised attachment responses seen in their rejecting child. Any professional working with rejecting children who are hyper aligned to a caregiver who is seen to be causing the child to display disorganised attachments, should be aware that they will likely see similar behaviours in the parent who is being rejected. To fail to do so is to cause iatrogenic harm, in which an already seriously abused parent, is re-traumatised by the treatment they receive.
Let’s be clear, this is a family attachment trauma, it is readily understood through an attachment lens and it really is time we started to talk, at depth, about what this means. Because the evidence in clinical terms, is staring us right in the face. Children who are said to be alienated are suffering from disorganised attachment due to fear without solution, which is caused by being in a double bind and parents in the rejected position are suffering from the same. And both child and parent in the rejected position, display signs of reactive psychological splitting due to the pressures placed upon them from an abusive parent and the consequences for that, which are seen in clinical practice years down the line are serious.
“The only clear connections between infant attachment and adult psychopathology are between disorganized attachment and dissociative symptoms in adolescence and early adulthood (Dozier et al. 2008a). (Shemmings & Shemmings 2011, p.62)
When I first wrote about induced psychological splitting being at the very heart of this attachment trauma, I was told I should not focus on it and I was mocked for writing about it. Some parents, likely prompted by this, wrote and told me that they certainly did not suffer from dissociative splitting and yet…and yet…some seven years later, when the work we have been doing at the Family Separation Clinic demonstrates over and over again, that psychological splitting is at the very core of this attachment trauma, the evidence is clear. When we work with children in stage two of the journey of the alienated child they demonstrate dissociative splitting and when we work with them ten years later they demonstrate the impact of that. When we work with parents in the rejected position they demonstrate the same kind of splitting and when we look at the attachment trauma literature, the explanation for what we are seeing is right there in front of us.
Epistemic Mistrust
Epistemic mistrust refers to a loss of trust in the reliability or benevolence of others as sources of knowledge. When a person has epistemic mistrust, they find it difficult to take in new information from others, even when it could be helpful. This form of mistrust is not simply about doubting facts; it is about a deep relational wound, a disruption in the expectation that other people can be safe guides to reality.
In healthy development, a child learns through epistemic trust: trusting that caregivers’ communications are both true and meant for their benefit. When attachment trauma, rejection, or inconsistency occurs, this natural openness can collapse. The individual then learns to treat social knowledge as dangerous, they may defensively dismiss, distort, or reject what others say.
In family systems affected by alienation or relational trauma, both children and parents can develop epistemic mistrust. A child may mistrust one parent’s communications due to psychological pressure from the other, while a rejected parent may come to mistrust professionals or even their own perceptions after repeated invalidation.
Therapeutic work to restore epistemic trust must therefore focus on relationship before information: building a secure, attuned, and non-judgmental connection in which the client can once again feel safe to receive, test, and integrate new meanings. This process involves mentalisation, repair of ruptures, and relational consistency, through which the client gradually re-learns that other minds can be safe, and that truth can emerge in dialogue.
It is time that alienation of children in divorce and separation is seen through the lens which will bring resolution to the fearful states seen in children and parents in the rejected position. The knowledge base is there, the skill sets are clear and the evidence shows repeatedly that it brings healthy outcomes for those who have suffered abuse during divorce and separation.
Preventing psycho-pathology from being transmitted through the generations is what this work is all about. At the Family Separation Clinic that is what we are focused on every working day of our lives.
The pain of the parent in the rejected position is psychological, physiological but it is most of all preventable and that is what matters the most.
News from the Family Separation Clinic
Social work training pathway
Our social work training pathway will shortly be available online in modular format. Designed to help social workers to understand this family attachment trauma and how to build structural interventions to enable therapeutic work to be effective, this training is based upon the work done with several Local Authorities in England over the past five years. For more information email office@familyseparationclinic.co.uk
Supervision
We provide supervision to professionals who have trained with us.
Unfortunately we cannot supervise case work where the practitioner has not trained with us as these families requires depth knowledge of attachment trauma as it relates to the particular dynamics seen in these families.
Our next professionals training will be available in 2026 in central Europe.
Case Management
We provide case management services for families affected by these dynamics, including guidance on structural intervention and how to utilise the court system to protect children. Email office@familyseparationclinic for information about our case management services.
Karen Woodall - Psychotherapist, Writer, Researcher, Trainer 
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