Karen Woodall – Psychotherapist, Writer, Researcher, Trainer

Today I am delivering a seminar for hundreds of parents who are in the rejected position after divorce or separation, the rejected position being the by-product of a child’s strong alignment with a parent who is causing them harm. Those of you who know my work, know that my interest in this field has always been in helping children who suffer this emotional and psychological abuse, to heal from the hidden harms they have suffered in the home.

Over the years I have done this work, I have come to understand that the parent who can provide the very best therapeutic support for the child is the parent in the rejected position, who is, despite the abuse they have suffered, the person who can assist the child back to an integrated sense of self. Lighthouse parenting, which is what we call the adapted form of Therapeutic Parenting that we use for alienated children in divorce and separation, is an approach to helping children with a fractured sense of self, regain an integrated sense of who they are. Lighthouse parenting provides all parents in the rejected position with helpful strategies, ways of understanding and responding to children’s disorganised attachment behaviour and a step by step approach to knowing what to do to help and when. Lighthouse parenting, which we use regularly in our social work training pathways, offers a gentle, consistent, structural approach, to helping children who are suffering from psychological splitting to drop the defence. Lighthouse parenting can be used even in the stage when children are most rejecting of you and can lead to swifter resolution of the split state of mind which causes the child to align strongly and reject a parent.

Whilst this approach is not a ‘bring your child home by Christmas’ route, it has long lasting benefical impacts on the child and on you. Having developed Lighthouse parenting and trained many parents in the basics, I have seen the changes this brings to alienated children when they are able to come home, sometimes after a short time, sometimes after many years of being affected by psychological splitting. Such is the success that this is where much of my focus is currently, in bringing to life the Lighthouse Academy (coming early 2025) and in building resources to support parents to use Lighthouse parenting to help their children to move through the difficult developmental years without having to maladapt their attachment behaviours to the point of overwhelm which is when they enter into the defence of psychological splitting.

Today, as I work with so many of you at what is traditionally the hardest time of year, as you are surrouded by people looking forward to seeing their children and being with their families, I want to share a way of connecting with your children even if you haven’t seen them for many years. It is based on the four s’s of resilience and it can be made into a postcard, it can be sent by text, it can be emailed or it can be set out on a social media site for them to see.

The four s’s of resilience are

SAFE

SEEN

SOOTHED

SECURE

and this is what we want all children who are regulating frightening or unpredictable caregivers to feel. The message they need to feel is that they have a parent who understands that the child is under psychological pressure and cannot relate to two parental realities for the present time. The child needs to receive the message that you see the child’s dilemma, that you accept that for now this is how it is and that you are there to keep them safe and secure in the knowledge that when they can begin to relate to two different realities again, they can easily return to you. If we could visualise it, this is what it looks like.

In words you might say it like this….

My dear child….

It is coming up to Christmas again and there will no doubt be presents under the tree for you. I hope that you enjoy opening them and that you get just what you are hoping for. Here I am busy getting ready for the holiday season and I am thinking about how when things are easier, we will be able to spend time together again. For now I am sending you my love so that you know that you are not forgotten and that when the time is right, we can do all of those things we used to do, all over again.

What this message says to your child is I am ok, you are ok and it is ok, I am here, you are safe, you are seen and you are not forgotten. It is what children who are trauma bonded need to hear because their overall day to day feeling is a lack of safety, a lack of predictability and a lack of continuity and presence.

I know that the counter intuitive nature of this message is difficult for some to grasp, after all your child is rejecting you, sometimes in the most horrible way, often with a barrage of abuse and a whole lot of contempt and disdain. Your child is often omnipotent, arrogant, rude and obnoxious, how could they possibly respond to such a message?

The truth is that this disorganised attachment behaviour which causes your child to behave in this way, is not their fault and is a defence against overwhelming psychological pressure. The healthy part of the child, the part which remains attached to you throughout all of this distorted behaviour, longs for this reassurance and needs to hear that you are still there for them. Keeping your message short (they are all used to short form content these days) and using symbolic language as often as you can (the regression in their behaviour means that pictures are easier for them to absorb and understand than words), you can connect to them and help them to see you, help them to hear you and help them to feel that despite it all, they are seen and safe and you are still there.

Lighthouse parenting is about sending the beam of love and presence without expectation, without demand and without taking anything that comes back in return personally. Alienated children are defended and defensive, they are often brutal in their behaviour towards you and reactive in their responses. Just observe those reactions and recognise the disorganised attachments they signal. Stand still, keep the beam bright and without bombarding them or overwhelming them send your signal consistently, “I’m ok, you’re ok, it’s ok and I am here.” Let’s make 2025 the year when alienated children all over the world are helped to feel seen and safe.

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Holding up a Healthy Mirror

Our foundation course for Lighthouse parenting begins again in February for both UK and Europe and US timezones and Australian and Hong Kong timezones. Bookings are open now at https://www.familyseparationclinic.com/parenting/

Lighthouse parenting coaching group

For news of a new limited space Lighthouse parenting coaching group with Karen Woodall please sign up to our Therapeutic Parenting Newsletter here https://www.familyseparationclinic.com/parenting/newsletter/