Karen Woodall – Psychotherapist, Writer, Researcher, Trainer

The underlying problem which is seen when children align with a parent after family separation and reject the other, in circumstances where the rejection by the child is accompanied by contempt and disdain, is an attachment trauma. Such a trauma, is caused by the onset of psychological splitting in the child, in circumstances where they are overwhelmed by adult dynamics. Whilst some say that this is called parental alienation and others say it is called Resist/Refuse dynamics, some deny that it happens to fathers at all and claim that when it happens to mothers, it is called Child and Mother Sabotage. In the USA, Childress calls it ABPA, at the Family Separation Clinic we called it a relational trauma which is rooted in the attachment maladaptations the child has been forced to make. 

Children who maladapt their attachment relationships, do so reflexively in situations where they are overwhelmed by a frightening or unpredictable caregiver. Children will, in most circumstances, show such a caregiver what they think that person wants to see and hear. It is well recognised in the attachment literature for example, that children who are being cared for by an unpredictable caregiver, will disavow their own needs in favour of meeting parental needs and It doesn’t require much of a journey into the attachment literature to find the evidence of this.

The problem for children who are doing this in divorce and separation however, is that they are already exposed to a binary split in terms of the internal atmosphere of the home that they live in, where (usually but not always), they are exposed to the feelings of the parent with whom they live for most of the time. Children who are already made vulnerable by the changing nature of their family circumstances, are more hyper attuned to their parents than usual due to the anxiety that family change brings. Therefore, if one parent is more upset/distressed/anxious/angry or other strong emotion and the child is witness to this and regularly exposed to the inter-psychic messages that the other parent is to be feared/disregarded/considered disposable, then the child will maladapt their attachments to reflect the dominant feeling in the home in which they are predominantly living.

There are circumstances  however (and I have worked with many), where the parent who has less care of the child, is consistently undermining the care giving of the parent with whom the child lives for most of the time. The alignment with such an abusive caregiver, is often swift, appearing out of the blue or after a short period of the child showing disorganised attachment behaviours. In these circumstances, the switch in the child’s alignment, may occur after a period of allegations of parental alienation have been used as threats (usually against a mother). The key to all of these alignments is that they are ALWAYS accompanied by contemptuous and disdainful rejection of a once loved caregiver and they are always underpinned by coercive control of the child.

I am not (and never have been) an advocate of any kind of automatic division of children’s time with parents, largely because I recognise that this in itself provides fertile ground for the prolonging of behaviours in parents which overwhelm children into the psychologically split state of mind.  In the current global campaign however, alienated children’s lives are being used as something of a political football, as advocates for women’s rights dominate play, after a period of time where a greater understanding of the benefits to children of healthy relationships with each parent was achieved. It is in such circumstances that this hidden harm at home becomes normalised, due to the efforts of women’s rights campaigners to bind the needs of children into the rights of their mothers. This is where the absolute loss occurs, of children’s relationships with beloved parents and grandparents, friends and wider family and ultimately with a part of their own self, which becomes hidden from them, takes place.

I was reminded of this absolute loss this week when a parent contacted me to let me know that they face a life limiting diagnosis and sent me a video of the life they had shared with their child until the other parent put a stop to it over a decade ago. Watching the video reminded me all over again why I do this work, not for parents, but for children and the loss that they often do not understand they have suffered, until it is far too late.

There are circumstances where it is better for children to be without a parent who has caused them harm, indeed there are many children who are trauma bonded to parents who they would be better off without in my view, but who remain in the care of that parent due to the fundamental lack of understanding around the world of what we are dealing with when children align with a parent and reject the other. However, this is not one of those situations and, as I watched this video of this small child’s world, a face lit up with happiness and contentment, connection to family and friends abundantly clear, I was struck again by the ending of that relationship, in which absence became the defining experience for the parent. And for the child? Well, we can assume that the maladaptive process which occurs when children reject, made the loss at least bearable for the child in the present, although, like so many others, without help, the legacy will be carried forward, like an unexploded bomb, primed to go off when the child becomes a parent to their own children.

And this is how the relentless march of inter-generational trauma continues and how hidden harm at home, whatever we want to call it, remains hidden away and disguised as something that children will simply get over. (Or something that is necessary in order to liberate women from the control of men). In the meantime it will be children who bear the brunt of this attachment trauma and children who will carry the imprint of this into their own adult lives, likely attaching to someone abusive in marriage, likely facing rejection themselves by their own children.

I don’t need to watch videos of children who are loved and lost by their parents to convince me that this abuse of them must stop but it doesn’t hurt to be reminded. I don’t need to think about a child’s journey through alienation in order to keep writing about this, but it always helps to remember that for some children, their emergence from this will be met with the permanent absence of the parent they were forced to reject.

If we spent more time focusing upon the lived experience of children who are forced upon this diversionary journey of accommodation to parental needs, we might actually find the interest and energy to do something about it.

Because this hidden harm at home hurts children, and we all abhor child abuse, don’t we?

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The Journey of the Alienated Child*

In 2019, I became tired of working in a binary field, where the constant fight to prove this problem exists felt both pointless and lacking in creative action. Having worked for many years with a co-therapy model in assisting families affected by this attachment trauma, I decided then to turn my attention to finding ways to empower parents in the rejected position to help their child wherever they were on this diversionary journey.

The ‘right action at the right time protocol’, is what I have called the approach we use in structural therapeutic parenting, which I have adapted to be used by parents in the rejected position for alienated children. Based upon my work with over a hundred severely alienated children, this approach has been tested outside of the Court system since 2020 and has shown repeatedly to have a beneficial impact in terms of bringing children back into proximity with the parent they have rejected and empowering the parent to know what to do as the child emerges from this attachment trauma.

We don’t need to prove this exists or argue about what it is called, we want as many parents as possible to be empowered to understand and use this new approach and so, if you are tired of the binary fight and you want to do something to help your alienated child to heal. This seminar is for you.

Come and join me on April 5th, where I will be introducing my new book which is called The Journey of the Alienated Child and the right action at the right time protocol which empowers you to know the what, how and when of being a therapeutic parent to an alienated child.

With delivery at 9am in the morning and 5pm in the early evening BST, where-ever you are in the world you can join me – both sessions include Q&A.

*The Journey of the Alienated Child book is in the edit process and a publication date will be available soon.