Karen Woodall – Psychotherapist, Writer, Researcher, Trainer

It is Mother’s Day in the USA and there will be many mums who do not wake up to a card or a gift, who are left waiting for a call and who, as a result, will feel the incredible sadness of mourning the loss of a child who is still living. For all mothers in that position, we send our strongest support and our recognition of the pain of being blamed for something that is not your fault, was not caused by or contributed to by you but which is your burden to carry, often unseen and unacknowledged by too many.

Alienation in children causes defensive splitting, if your child were not in the split state of mind they would be overwhelmed by the double bind they have been placed in. Alienated children fracture internally, splitting their sense of self into hero and villain and projecting that outwards onto you. In doing so they begin to live in a false self, which you can think of as a protective shell, preventing them from being further harmed inside but also creating a barrier to your incoming care. They are trying to stay safe in an unsafe world, a world you likely left hoping that they would come with you, after all they witnessed the abuse and they felt the tension in the home. That instead of following you, they aligned with the abuser, is a shock which is very difficult to process. When you understand that your children are trying to regulate a frightening and unpredictable father, just as you tried to regulate him before you left him, you make better sense of where they are.

This is not a dynamic which advertises itself as abuse but rather wraps itself up in charm and the appearance of devotion. The way in which children are captured in the mirror of primitive narcissistic defences is both alarming and frustrating and it can be incredibly difficult to figure out how to help your child see the truth. If you focus on trying to help your child to see the truth however, you will entangle your child even further because the controlling and manipulative strategies of the alienating father are based upon the internal assumptions, reactions and biases of other people, including your children. If you go down the route of trying to speak truth in a world of projections therefore, all you will discover is that the projections are stronger than the truth, because the projections have wrapped themselves around small pieces of ‘evidence’ from their own projections (and often from the projections of others such as their own mother), which have been manipulated to look like universal truths.

“she was never the motherly type”

“she struggled to bond/feed/be there for her children”

“She had post natal depression”

“she was and is a cold mother”

“it was always about her, never about the children”

“if the children really had a bond with her, do you think they would reject her?”

If you are a mother facing these projections, just for today know that there are people out there who know the objective truth, people who stand with you, people who understand how alienation of children by fathers works. We also know how you face entrapment within the internal entanglements of projections from the family system you have escaped from AND the external projections of people who should understand and should be able to help you, but instead choose to follow the false self voices of your children, failing you and them and empowering the abuser.

For today, set yourself aside from the fight and treat this day as yours. You gave your children life, you cared for your children through their early days, if you adopted your children you gave them a chance to have a safe and healthy future. That they are currently not able to share this day with you is not what their healthy selves would wish for, so ignore the false self rejecting behaviour and let us wish you, on their behalf a Happy Mother’s Day. Because you are seen, you are safe and you deserve it.

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