No Guru, No Method, No Teacher – Just You and Your Children and The Love That Doesn’t Disappear

I am not one for keeping things mysterious when they can easily be explained and so today I am going to tell you exactly how a child who is alienated can come to restore their relationship with a rejected parent in seconds.

There is no mystery to it, no special talent, no psychological woohoo. The remedy is incredibly simple and it works every time, when the identification and differentiation is properly undertaken.

Some will tell you that they and only they have the answer to the problem of parental alienation.  Some will tell you that this way or that is the only way to approach reunification.  I can tell you, from the successful work that I do in reuniting alienated children with the parent they have ‘chosen’ to reject, that there are many roads to achieving the magical dynamic which enables the alienation reaction to disappear.

And all of them are valid and all of them work.

Parental alienation is a combination of the dynamics caused by one parent’s behaviours, the other parent’s responses and the vulnerability of the child.  A triangle of reactions if you like in which the child enters into the only possible coping mechanism available to them, complete refusal to see one of their parents.

How do we know that a child has used this coping mechanism?  We recognise the cluster of behaviours which are only seen in unjustified rejection reactions, these are the eight signs of parental alienation which were curated by Richard Gardener and which serve to flag the existence of the problem.  Without those signs, who would know that the child has entered into the use of a coping mechanism?  No-one would.  Without those signs, who would know that the child is unable to cope with the dynamic around them? No-one would.  The eight signs of alienation are the external markers which tell us a child is not coping with the current dynamic around them.  A child caught in adult relationship distress if you like.  An alienated child.

Those of us who work with these families are presented with a wide spectrum of behaviours, from families where alienation is alleged, to families where allegations are rife.  In order to triage these children into those truly showing signs of alienation and those who are not, we use the eight signs of alienation as initial indicators.  When we have sifted and sorted and found that a child is showing the signs of alienation we begin the deeper analysis.

The deeper analysis involves examination of the case for a number of behaviours which have been long recognised in the UK as being part of the landscape of parental alienation. Indeed when I began work in this field over two decades ago, these behaviours in families were acknowledged and referenced in court reports.  Trans-generational repetition of trauma, enmeshment, attachment disruption including parentification and spouseification and fused dyadic partnerships. Add to that encapsulated delusional disorder and the presence of personality disorder.  All of this combines to give us a clear picture of the category of alienation the child is experiencing and the level of severity.  When we know this, we are ready to go into court to give evidence on our formulation.

There is no mystery to the resolution of parental alienation reactions in severely alienated children in the pure category.  Put simply, the alienation reaction is the utilisation of a coping mechanism of psychological splitting which allows the child to deal with the impossible position they are in.  In such cases, where a parent has a personality profile of concern and where the indicators shown in the previous paragraph are at play, a simple removal of the child from the parent with whom they are sharing  an encapsulated delusion, is enough to trigger dynamic change.  All that is required of a practitioner (though in itself this can be tough stuff to undertake), is that they are capable of removing the child from the parent, overriding the pleas from the child and placing them with the parent they have been vehemently rejecting.  All it takes is that.  Nothing more.  No mystery, no method, nothing more than that and the child’s normal range responses to a parent they have loved all along will emerge.  That is because children do not hate their parents, they are born hard wired to love and attach to them and parental alienation, whilst it damages their life chances if children are forced to endure it for long periods in their lives, will reverse itself on removal from the source of the problem.

In severe and pure cases that is.  In other categories of alienation the treatment route is different, which is why, when some children are moved and the differentiation is not done properly, the reaction remains.

In severe and pure cases of parental alienation, the child’s normal love and warmth will reappear swiftly when the dynamics have been reconfigured to allow them to do so. The child still has to face a number of struggles beyond the point at which the alienation reaction disappears however. The range of difficulties a child will experience will depend upon the severity of the psychological profile of the parent they have been removed from.  This is a critical aspect of intervention which is not currently being talked about and it is this which requires the specialist skill of psychotherapists who understand the impact on a child of being brought up by a parent with a problematic psychological profile.  Currently in the UK we have a much greater understanding amongst the judiciary of the problems caused by parental alienation.  We also have a greater willingness to use the transfer of residence intervention which separates the child from the parent who has caused the problem. What we don’t have, is the recognition and understanding that it is not the transfer of residence which is the trigger to bring the child out of the alienated state of mind but the separation from source protocol which gives the child respite from the relational influence of the alienating parent for a period of time.  Without this, the problem in the child is simply transferred with them, to a detrimental effect.

This separation, which in our work at the Clinic is maintained for up to 90 days post transfer, gives the child the opportunity to move through the psychological stages of recovery from alienation. When this is combined with therapeutic work with the child, the restoration of balance and perspective in the child’s mind is completed and protection and resilience to the behaviours of alienating parent are built up.  This is the intervention which truly changes the child’s life, because it is this which ensures that there is recovery plus resilience.  The child is always going to have to find a way of relating to the alienating parent somehow, they are after all, the child’s parent and as we know, children are not hard wired to ditch, dump or dismiss a parent.  If there is any method, magic or mystery to this work then, it is in the therapeutic alliance formed by the therapist, formerly rejected parent and previously alienated child. For it is this which lays the foundation stone for the development of emotional and psychological health for the rest of the child’s life.

In managing this therapeutic alliance the therapist additionally must keep the road open for the previously alienating parent to rejoin the child’s life and do this is in the face of potential hostility and refusal by the parent to accept that their behaviours have harmed the child. This is where the skill comes in, this is where the power for change in the underlying dynamics lies and this is where risk remains to the child if protection cannot be achieved.

The formula for recovery in an alienated child can be easily understood and the steps to reconfiguring the dynamic are very simple.

Pure and severe alienation is the result of the alienating strategies of one parent, the benign efforts by the other parent to resist the strategies and the child’s lack of resilience and awareness of who has the most power over them.

To reconfigure this dynamic one must –

  • differentiate the case, evidence the formulation in court and give a treatment route, be cross examined on the intervention and then, if the court agrees, carry it out.
  • In carrying it out the court must be asked to restrict the power of the alienating parent, transfer power to the rejected parent and entrust the practitioner to enact the intervention.
  • Under those conditions, place the child with the rejected parent and poof, the alienation reaction is gone.

No guru, no method, no teacher, no mystery, no magic, no more alienation.

This is because, in pure and severe alienation, the encapsulated delusion which the child is being forced to share, is popped like a bubble on removal from the parent who is the source of it.

I should know, I have seen it happen often enough (nine times already this year in fact).  But it is not the bubble popping which is the magic, it is the longer term work beyond the reunification which is the really protective intervention.  And that does require method and it does require skill and when it is delivered properly it protects the child from the long term damage that parental alienation does.

The eight signs of alienation tell us the reaction is live in the child.

Deeper investigation allows us to differentiate the cause.

Our willingness to face cross examination in court changes the dynamic underlying the problem.

Being willing to override children’s objections takes the child to a place where the alienation reaction can simply disappear.

Beyond which the delicate work of helping the child to recover balance and perspective brings long term relief and protection.

All in days work, when you know how.

Don’t let anyone make it a mystery. This is about you and your children and the love they have for you that doesn’t disappear.

Everything else is woohoo.




  1. I cannot agree more Karen. I will never forget the day when you reunited my children with me after 18 months of hell, where they ‘literally jumped in to my arms’ the moment they saw me at my house.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. In my opinion, most cases are (and were) straightforward before self-serving amateurs boot involved – like most things in life “it’s easy when you know how”


  2. Great stuff……identify the problem (the alienating parent) and the damage being done to the child then deal with those issues separately. Who said “we’ve all had enough of experts”? 🙂


    1. I learned what I know from working with Dr Cameron and via him I learned from Val Proven. There is absolutely no substitute for being mentored by those who go before who have a successful record in the field. The rest is just making it up as one goes along and we all know where that gets us.


      1. having seen their work ‘up close and personal’, i can testify to the expert talents of both those individuals…….in this field, head and shoulders above all others i came across over several years. i have no doubt they’d agree you’ve taken ‘the cause’ to a whole new level


  3. Great stuff……identify the problem (the alienating parent) and the damage being done to the child then deal with those issues separately. Who said “we’ve all had enough of experts”? 🙂


    1. That’s the bit that is down to the expert practitioner Jon but we are doing a lot of other work too in terms of protocols and development of understanding.


  4. Thank you Karen for this interpretation. The dynamics at all levels is interactive and we have to assess each person’s psychological status to enable differentiated responses.
    The cited mental condition of the alienating parent in particular is definitive. Extreme past the tipping point alienators are they themselves living in their own DSM5 nightmare without realising it. They are psychotics. We do not want the children relieved from that person to enact a negative Stockholm Syndrome effect; by realising that if that parent suicides (because of loss of control) that they the children are responsible. To protect their own psychology as has been recited many times children are naturally empathetic to family situations. and this must be protected as a wonderful psychological position to have.
    Some are now stating the “whole family separation” issue is a health issue and we need guidance from other societies and nations who are effecting a better resolve than we are and you are beginning to enable us to at least understand the reality of the hatred perpetrators of alienation which as you and others have declared are trauma disturbance related, often pre-concrete level of dissociation from love.


  5. I completely agree… I think this works for children under 18 who are *forced* to live with the alienated parent. I know my estranged daughter would have reconnected with me had this been the case. Unfortunately, when my daughter moved in with her father and step-mother just as she was turning 16, there was nothing to force her into living with me… I allowed her to make her own choice (too bad I didn’t have a crystal ball at that point!) and 3-4 months later, the parental alienation syndrome began to rear its ugly head. It’s gone from bad to worse and she’s now 25. I’m trained as a counselor (although it was quite a long time ago and had never learned about parental alienation syndrome) and did my best to reach out to her over and over… in any event, I follow your articles Karen, and am so grateful to know professionals are becoming more knowledgeable with parental alienation.


  6. Oh how I wish our designated family counselors had read your blog. Two separate counselors recognized the alienation in our family, labeling it as moderate-to-severe, with me as the alienated parent. Unfortunately the first counselor, a recommending mediator, said that he had previously recommended that a severely alienated child be placed with the rejected parent, and once that happened the child claimed physical abuse to get away from that parent. The mediator said he didn’t want to repeat that mistake, so he recommended 50/50 custody, telling the judge he believed the homes were equally qualified to care for our children. Our next counselor, recommended by that mediator, also acknowledged the severity of alienation. Unfortunately, although he has a PhD, he was clearly overwhelmed by our case. He said, frustrated, “This is very complicated!” To which I replied “I know… I’m living it.” His solution was to bring me into a room with my 16 year old son, let my son tell me that he didn’t consider me his mom anymore, that his stepmom had taken over the role of mom in his life so he didn’t need me, and he wanted to live full time with his dad and stepmom. I expected the counselor to intervene, but he didn’t. Instead to my shock and horror he looked at me and said, in front of my son, “I suggest you allow him to do what he’s asking. If not they will take you to court for custody, which will make the situation worse, and because of his age the judge will automatically grant his request anyway.”

    I protested and said that it went against everything I’d read about these situations. At that point my son said that the counselor was right and that if I didn’t agree then he and his dad would take me to court… and they’d tell the judge that even our counselor wanted me to let him live with his dad. It was surreal. I realized they were right; with the counselor recommending I allow my son to live with his father full time, there was no way I would win in court. So, sobbing, I agreed.

    Afterward the counselor justified his decision by saying that my son had been so cold and distant from me he felt it was in all our best interests to let him go, or else the tension between us could continue to escalate to the point of my son lashing out. He said “Trust me, if you give him a little space, he’ll come around.”

    Two years later my daughter demanded the same thing. Knowing that my son hadn’t spent one night in my home since that agreement, and our communication dropped drastically, I refused to agree to let my daughter go. We went to court and my ex told the judge that our counselor agreed that my daughter should be allowed to choose; the judge sided with them and allowed my daughter to choose.

    It has been a year and a half and she hasn’t spent one night in my home since then either.

    How wonderful for the families you have reunited, and the children whose lives you have restored. If only all counselors were equally committed to that result, the world (and certainly MY world) would be a better place.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’ve had court-ordered weekly visits recently, albeit at significant cost. The time is gold. The bond of love with my children is undeniable. I had fears that my eldest son (aged 9) would be distant, given that he had given a false account to child protection about my behaviour for a court report; yet there was no problem at all. We’re up to our fifth visit this weekend. Love conquers all.


  8. Thank you for this – gives us hope that we’re not too late to reverse this devastating situation and re-connect with the children we knew (before this campaign was swiftly scaled up)


  9. Reblogged this on | truthaholics and commented:
    “To reconfigure this dynamic one must –

    differentiate the case, evidence the formulation in court and give a treatment route, be cross examined on the intervention and then, if the court agrees, carry it out.
    In carrying it out the court must be asked to restrict the power of the alienating parent, transfer power to the rejected parent and entrust the practitioner to enact the intervention.
    Under those conditions, place the child with the rejected parent and poof, the alienation reaction is gone.
    No guru, no method, no teacher, no mystery, no magic, no more alienation.

    This is because, in pure and severe alienation, the encapsulated delusion which the child is being forced to share, is popped like a bubble on removal from the parent who is the source of it.”


  10. Karen, just a heads up, Dr CC did a piece on the targetted parents suffering, there were aspects of the article i would have issue with but on the whole it was a great read, i think Dr CC’s usage of “Complex Trauma” to describe what the target parent is put through is very useful. Step into my world, i’ll tell you all about complex trauma….and yet the matter remains simple, i am alienated…and there is i believe along with what you assert, the restorative process could be and is so simple when the people involved have the courage to intervene.

    There is no escape from the “complex trauma” offloaded onto the target parent(you have to tilt the sky and crawl underneath…when you can), but i dont agree with Dr CC that the pathology of the alienator which causes and projects onto the target this complex trauma is just borne out of personality disorders themselves rooted in the alienators own childhood as abuse or neglect victims which they re-enact and project onto the target parent.

    I am not saying that doesnt happen because it does and quite rightly should be addressed, but be wary of ideological or personal archtypes that can sway perception and judgement of what is normal range. Something can be way off the board from normal range…and not be a problem, quite the contrary. When you are on or abouts the 99th percentile,..few things are experienced within a normal range. Far from it.

    When the primary alienator is not the other parent, but the other parents new man/woman and therefore in a twin system of alienation…..the driving dynamic is extermination not just alienation, they want the target erased, gone, forgotten, For them it is not about re-enactment of their own trauma’s, it is about escaping what they have done, caused and destroyed. Bonnie and Clyde dont want to leave a trail….and it has nothing to do with their own childhoods, but that which they wish to hide, and that which they wish to justify as they try to drive the other parent to suicide. This type of alienator, is an attempted murderer, the intervention should treat it as such.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree with you Carl, I completely agree with the fact that not all alienators are narcs or borderlines, some are not transgenerational haunters, some are just cold blooded murders and the kids who are taken by those need a full storm trooper, cult breaker intervention with the full consequences for the killers.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m just seeing these comments. Yes. Yes. Yes. I can’t like them enough.

        My children’s stepmom literally told them that even if I “was gone” she would make sure they still got to see their Nana and aunt (my mom and sister). My children boasted this to the court-appointed counselors as confirmation that I wasn’t needed, and to show how wonderful and caring stepmom was for making such assurances. One of the counselors later told my ex that everything pointed to stepmom trying to “completely erase and replace” me. Those words will ring in my ears forever.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. I would say you are wrong.. not only narcissists qnd borderline alienate , no.. sociopaths also alienate , psychopaths also alienate, histrionics also alienate, paediphiles, and other sexual predators also alienate, all of which are also narcissisitic personality disorders… all mailgnant and quite capable of doing horifiic things.. there is a definite underlying problem in society with these narcissistic personality disorders which needs seriously looking into… just look at the level of empathy there is in family court and the government agencies who are supposed to fix things and you can see the lack of it right there.. society on a whole is not much different… there is fake on every social media profile.. the whole world is wearing a mask.. there is so much apethy its saddening.. unless of course the subject of their “opinion” is soooo far away that their “opinion” won’t hurt them in any way.. then they will go along with whatever political “views” they have will allow them to have.. critical thinking is being taken from our society from our children upwards.. true empathy is being pushed out, and we don’t want that.. we really don’t want that.. and pqthogenic parenting is not helping it in the slightest.. it is not just the narcissists and borderline patients.. it is ALL of the above.. a relationship with a sociopath is quite different , but also very similar , to living iwth a commen garden narcissisist.. trust me on this one, but they all alienate..qnd all teach their children to do the same , which does make it a transgenerational problem with ALL those pathologies.. all those parsonality disorders except psychopath are man made.. meaning they are created by their upbringing and environmental factors, they are groomed into it.. so yes it does not have to be from qbuse in their own path..they could be the start of the chain in their family and where born pyschopath. .. it also depends on what you believe is abuse.. to raise a narcissist, to nuture a human being into having no empathy, in my opinion is abuse, and makes them in part resposible for any suffering or pain their particular man made cluster B has caused.. not to say that that is a get out of jail free card , having no empathy or remorse does not mean they don’t know right from wrong.. it just means they don’t care.. everything is a choice after all.. Dr.C. has hit the nail on the head when it comes to my case , and thousands of others cases….including my own childhood, my mother, fortunately was in no way the league my ex is in.. my mother was/ is a narcissist.. but not so malignant as my ex.. bit then I was a son to my mother , not a partner , so I cannot say exactly how she was with them.. but the things my ex did, the risks, legal or not kind of risks, the violence, poisoning, the plotting, yeah.. not just a garden variety narc.. it was like living with two different people and everyone else only got to see one..


  11. ps..and the 9 recommendation in the article for dealing with complex trauma are about as good as it gets,at first i felt a bit nonchalant…that they were a bit cliched…but they are true. Problem is….the family and freinds thing can be affected by alienation so that can leave you feeling more isolated too when you look to turn to someone…..important to connect to the world around you as described in the Nature recommendation, notice the colours, hues, times of day, the smells, sounds, the rythmns and movements…..embrace them with all your senses, let them cleanse your soul from the biproducts of dealing with that complex trauma…..important to get out…..lay on the grass…..absorb the blue sky……..go swimming…float….let thoughts float off…..walk…..with no purpose…..walk with purpose……ride….drive…..catch a bus there and back again…….get on a train, jump on a plane……LIVE….do the exact opposite of what they want to happen to you under the suffocating gravity of complex trauma……punch through their wet paper bag intentions…….fill your lungs…..let it out…..fill your lungs again and let it out again……stand…..stand tall…….walk………fly……glide…sail….write your history, write a poem, write a book, write a song….draw a picture, a sillouhette, a watercolour……cut the grass, pot some plants… someone out, give your time to those worthy, give your time to those not worthy, be the giver, ……shove it up them.

    Live to tell the tale. Escape from the Complex Trauma is not impossible, not if you destroy the complex trauma………it tickles…..makes me laugh… me faith…….restores belief……generates light…..shatters darkness…….take the complex trauma and make of it what you will…….they offloaded it on to you by the skipful……so, climb from under it, seize it, own it, re-arrange it, use it as fertiliser for flowers, tare it from their hands, dont let them have the control over you by the suffering they inflict upon you and your children. There will come a day they will recieve their reckoning. Rise. Shine. Be Love. Be Light. Be Free. Be Brave. You already are.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I completely, utterly and wholeheartedly agree Carl – shove it up em as we say in Yorkshire and live like the king or queen of the world with your heart open – don’t let their intent succeed xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I send you a Yorkshire hug and all of my love – your boy loves you underneath the slag heap they poured over him, he loves you xxxx


  12. That was stage one, eloquently put Carl. A beautiful poem.
    That is what makes up your suit of armour, the one that gives you powers of protection against destructive negative forces.
    Stage 2.
    A journey into the unknown. The risk taker.

    There was a very good reason why Paul had equipped himself to resist further emotional damage. All the things he had been told might happen, did.
    He hadn’t seen Sarah for five long years. She was the eldest daughter from his first marriage. He spotted her walking up the high street, shopping bag in hand. Almost intuitively he said “Hi”, raising a cheery smile as he did so. He felt awkward because he predicted a negative reaction.

    “Oh it’s YOU” said Sarah when she realised it was her birth father standing next to her and immediately she took flight, as if she had seen a mad man. “I love you” he called after her. She responded by trying to stick her fingers in her ears as she made off.

    For bystanders, this was a comical scene. It was tempting calamity. Sarah could not run away holding her shopping with her fingers in her ears all at the same time. Shopping was strewn on the pavement.
    Did Paul
    1 Take the opportunity to help replace the shopping into Sarah’s bag.
    2 Retreat because he saw Sarah was angry and frightened of him.
    3 Scream after her, “this is all your mother’s fault”

    This was a real test for Paul. How strong had stage 1 made him?
    How was he to cope with his own emotions?
    Could he accept that Sarah was inevitably going to be a bit like her Mum, the woman he had despised and pitied and blamed for so long?
    How could he possibly begin to repair this damaged relationship?

    He didn’t have the Warshak book to hand but he vaguely remembered something about using angry moments to make reparations.
    And then something else occurred to him, something his friend in mental health had been talking to him about, “mood matching”. Nothing would make Sarah more aware of her behaviour and how she was the instigator of it (not her mother) than seeing it reflected back to her as if in a mirror.

    Paul’s ability to understand and mimic disaster and calamity and then brush himself down and start anew demonstrated the possibility of recovery.

    He did this, in the High Street, throwing himself down committing himself to a shared disaster.


  13. No Guru, No Method, No Teacher – Just You and Your Children and The Love That Doesn’t Disappear……and a word from the universe……from the wilhelm translation with jung forward. I have just cast from the yee jing oracle) for Josh for his 21st. There were three moving lines out of the six, i knew before it was confirmed from source that the channel was hot, 3 moving lines is like erm…broadband, nope, fibre optic connection, nay a satellite transmission. I had him in mind and my general thought was of him turning 21 yesterday and what next for him, and maybe some light for me, something that could help him and direct him that he could understand and use. Let me make this clear, it was meant for Josh primarily, i was enquiring to pass on the information for him, but is sounded like it was meant for me, im inclined to think it was meant for us both, i was thinking of us both.,,,,,and i dare say many more than josh and myself too…

    .. interestingly a line from the following ” An obstruction that lasts only for a time is useful for self–development. This is the value of adversity” reminds me of the current philosophy blowing through the halls of the academy….”talent needs trauma”….sounds a bit brutal, nothing to do with running through brick walls and broken legs..but preparation for when the heat and pressure do arrive.

    39. Chien / Obstruction

    ☵above K’AN / THE ABYSMAL, WATER

    The hexagram pictures a dangerous abyss lying before us and a steep, inaccessible mountain rising behind us. We are surrounded by obstacles; at the same time, since the mountain has the attribute of keeping still, there is implicit a hint as to how we can extricate ourselves. The hexagram represents obstructions that appear in the course of time but that can and should be overcome. Therefore all the instruction given is directed to overcoming them.

    Six at the beginning means:
    Going leads to obstructions,
    Coming meets with praise.

    When one encounters an obstruction, the important thing is to reflect on how best to deal with it. When threatened with danger, one should not strive blindly to go ahead, for this only leads to complications. The correct thing is, on the contrary, to retreat for the time being, not in order to give up the struggle but to await the right moment for action.

    Nine in the fifth place means:
    In the midst of the greatest obstructions,
    Friends come.

    Here we see a man who is called to help in an emergency. He should not seek to evade the obstructions, no matter how dangerously they pile up before him. But because he is really called to the task, the power of his spirit is strong enough to attract helpers whom he can effectively organize, so that through the well-directed co-operation of all participants the obstruction is overcome.

    Six at the top means:
    Going leads to obstructions,
    Coming leads to great good fortune.
    It furthers one to see the great man.

    This refers to a man who has already left the world and its tumult behind him. When the time of obstructions arrives, it might seem that the simplest thing for him to do would be to turn his back upon the world and take refuge in the beyond. But this road is barred to him. He must not seek his own salvation and abandon the world to its adversity. Duty calls him back once
    more into the turmoil of life. Precisely because of his experience and inner freedom, he is able to create something both great and complete that brings good fortune. And it is favorable to see the great man in alliance with whom
    one can achieve the work of rescue.


    OBSTRUCTION. The southwest furthers.
    The northeast does not further.
    It furthers one to see the great man.
    Perseverance brings good fortune.

    The southwest is the region of retreat, the northeast that of advance. Here an individual is confronted by obstacles that cannot be overcome directly. In such a situation it is wise to pause in view of the danger and to retreat. However, this is merely a preparation for overcoming the obstructions. One must join forces with friends of like mind and put himself under the leadership of a man equal to the situation: then one will succeed in removing the obstacles. This requires the will to persevere just when one apparently must do something that leads away from his goal. This unswerving inner purpose brings good fortune in the end. An obstruction that lasts only for a time is useful for self–development. This is the value of adversity.


    Water on the mountain:
    The image of OBSTRUCTION.
    Thus the superior man turns his attention to himself
    And molds his character.

    Difficulties and obstructions throw a man back upon himself. While the inferior man seeks to put the blame on other persons, bewailing his fate, the superior man seeks the error within himself, and through this introspection the external obstacle becomes for him an occasion for inner enrichment and education.


  14. ,,,and the outcome or the following hexagram from the initial enquiry and resulting hexagram with three moving lines is this..which on the whole i deem a very positive development from the place of obstruction, it implies the attainment of liberty and energy, so much so a warning is embedded that it would be possible to become complacent, vain and superficial. Reminds me of a lyric…”20ft. high on Blackpool promenade, Fake royalty second hand sequin facade,
    Limited face paint and dyed black quiff, Overweight and out of date. Yep its not all roses and popcorn even when the weather is good, good sense means vigilance over ones winds too. Excuse me. lol

    22. Pi / Grace

    ☲below LI / THE CLINGING, FIRE

    This hexagram shows a fire that breaks out of the secret depths of the earth and, blazing up, illuminates and beautifies the mountain, the heavenly heights. Grace—beauty of form—is necessary in any union if it is to be well ordered and pleasing rather than disordered and chaotic.

    GRACE has success.
    In small matters
    It is favorable to undertake something.

    Grace brings success. However, it is not the essential or fundamental thing; it is only the ornament and therefore be used sparingly and only in little things. In the lower trigram of fire a yielding line comes between two strong lines and makes them beautiful, but the strong lines are the essential content and the weak line is the beautifying form. In the upper trigram of the mountain, the strong line takes the lead, so that here again the strong element must be regarded as the decisive factor. In nature we see in the sky the strong light of the sun; the life of the world depends on it. But this strong, essential thing is changed and given pleasing variety by the moon and the stars. In human affairs, aesthetic form comes into being when traditions exist that, strong and abiding like mountains, are made pleasing by a lucid beauty. By contemplating the forms existing in the heavens we come to understand time and its changing demands. Through contemplation of the forms existing in human society it becomes possible to shape the world.


    Fire at the foot of the mountain:
    The image of GRACE.
    Thus does the superior man proceed
    When clearing up current affairs.
    But he dare not decide controversial issues in this way.

    The fire, whose light illuminates the mountain and makes it pleasing, does not shine far; in the same way, beautiful form suffices to brighten and to throw light upon matters of lesser moment, but important questions cannot be decided in this way. They require greater earnestness.


  15. I almost just erm, shat myself? There i was reading some bollocks and i got notification of a freind request, not unusual, though much less frequent recently lol, anyhow….after deciding eventually to have a look who it was i nearly fell of my chair…..twas him! ……err…..fucking ell, steady on Josh….dont be doing something like that all of a sudden, fucking ell youve only been 21 for a day. What the… after a breif panic….ping pong, he’s ping ponging…Karen!!!!!! Karen!!!! Yes yes its 3am in the morning minus 8 outside but i need a change of pants. .A quick glance at my wall to see what the fuck i have put on it that may have induced him to connect…..i took three or four minutes and then i noticed on one of the tabs i had opened the notification had gone….so i clicked on the one where the notification appeard to be active..and that had been cancelled. Phew. Close call that.

    Devastated. Opportunities missed! To be fair i think it was a request sent by accident, either someone else messing around with his phone…or even himself, when you open the facebook app on someones profile its quite easy using your left thumb whilst holding the device in the left hand to hit the add freind button by accident.

    Well, at least he’s looking in on my wall…at least once a year, probably wondering where the dosh is that wasnt sent. I dont know. He actually read my cards i sent him and was inclined to look at my wall….i have no idea…..but for a few moments i was like a big lump of flubber that had been kicked by alan shearer…in a phone box.


    1. CJG…..I don’t know what’s worse…..not hearing from ones child(ren) at all, or getting the odd sporadic message from them, whether by error or design. What’s better ‘hopes raised and cruelly dashed’ or ‘ a continuous blank space’?
      To live with an open heart, in spite of appalling heartache, is a courageous stance for anyone. To dare to feel, to dare to love, (and to allow oneself to be loved if one is lucky enough), to open oneself to the whole panoply of feelings, takes guts and a decision that living life ‘shut down’ so as to avoid at times overwhelming pain, is only a pale shadow of living. If ever a group of people need to be kind and gentle to themselves it is the alienated/targeted parents. Bless those amazing few souls whose hearts are big enough that they can love us damaged souls and in so doing, remind us that we are still worthwhile people, deserving of love and kindness.


  16. The problems are enormous. Spread over a wide area, I don’t think worldwide there is one country, that does not know or not suffer the same issues. I know if a case in Vienna, my own case in the EU still after 10 years remains with the fall out of those early years. I just wonder what happened to time so badly used and wasted.


  17. Is lack of communication a factor? With all the anger and resentment very little true communication. I’ve done this my self refusing to speak to someone, it goes no where. I liken it to more court action. This type of behaviour goes on for years, just adding to what ‘s there already.


  18. Karen, I’m concerned about the psychological effects on the child/children. I know personally it can produce eating disorders, self harming and difficulties with person relationships in the future. Is this a correct understanding of the add on situation this behaviour produces? Personally, I’ve never believed it was taken seriously. Could it be a form of abusive treatment? I also, believe in the importance of contact with both parents of its positive for the child/children. Child Contact Centres have had their uses. You also know I have highlighted the case of Beth Alexander. Not proven she is not fit, but the father insisted and as he is a doctor, believed. That is one my concerns with international law, a very fine line with truth and justice not being where it should be. Another point, children who are effected by the situation of being caught in the middle, how can they be helped? Again, I see no problem with a child wishing to know where they have from, some children need to know.


  19. Great stuff on complex trauma Carl and very helpful about alienation Karen. It’s all too easy to attach a label and join a club sometimes.


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