Our understanding of what is happening to families when a child rejects a parent outright after separation is growing and as a result we are moving into a phase of work. Following on from our conference earlier in the month on relational trauma in divorce and separation, we are starting to widen our lighthouse beam to find help for families affected by the problem of alienation.
In my work with families over the past ten years, I have been able to observe the ways in which every member of a family where a child rejects a parent outright, is affected by trauma reactions to the crisis which is family separation. Whilst the parent who is pathologically aligned to the child may have unresolved trauma, the rejected parent suffers reactive trauma to the way in which the child withdraws physically from them due to the projection of the split off negative feelings which are generated in the relationship with the influencing parent. The child suffers splitting which is itself a relational trauma.
Surrounding this trauma landscape, which is riven with psychological denial and projection, are circles of splitting in the parental rights lobby groups which fire their split off negative projections at each other in a persistent attempt to place the blame on the other side. Separating parents are drawn to these groups because they are vulnerable and hurting, because they fear their voices are being silenced and because their children are showing frightening behavioural signs of trauma.
We want to help families to heal. We want to help families to move through the traumatic experience of separation to a better place. Whilst so much of our work is about bringing more hands to help children who are already in an alienation reaction, we want to bring healing possibilities to the lives of the parents we know are best placed to help their children.
Rejected parents are bystanders to a drama which unfolds in the crucible of family separation. They are helpless in so many ways but they do not have to be. We know that when we are able to heal the reactive splitting in this group of parents, they are activated to help their children every way they can. We also know that when they are healed and well, that therapeutic parenting becomes more potent in their hands.
With all of that in mind, here is a gift to rejected parents. Given as part of the Lighthouse Project, given as part of a new phase of work which brings together people from around the world who work in trauma responding.
Delivered through The Lighthouse Project, Elyse is looking forward to introducing us to a brain-based therapy that “resets” neural networks and supports the re-integration of the body and the brain.
This seminar is being delivered via the Lighthouse Project. This project, which is part of my voluntary work on this blog, is designed to bring as much help to families affected by relational trauma in divorce and separation as possible, all at low cost. Some services will be delivered via the gift economy where the recipient decides what they will pay for the service.
This seminar will be delivered at a cost chosen by the participant and so you decide how much you pay to join us – your choices are £5, £10, £20, £30 and whichever you choose the seminar is the same. We have decided to deliver this way because we know that many people need this help and because we know that many cannot afford it.
About this seminar
We know that suffering rejection by a loved child is a traumatic life event which cause serious impact for parents. We also know that those parents who can learn how to cope and to survive and thrive are those whose children do best on reunification.
We want to provide the foundational healing opportunities for rejected parents around the world and this is a powerful approach to healing trauma with proven benefits.
Leave this seminar with an understanding of the science behind – and a set of techniques to activate – a natural process to soothe your nervous system and recover from emotional pain:
- Learn the neuroscience behind how we encode emotional pain
- Discover the connection between emotion pain and the encoding of trauma
- Gain clarity about why emotional wounds are so resistant to change
- Have a direct experience of a drug-and-side-effects-free process that resets emotional circuitry in the brain
- Practice using this simple and effective tool for both emotional self-regulation and building emotional resilience
- Learn how others have used this same tool in therapeutic interventions to heal the effects of long-standing trauma
IMPORTANT:
- This webinar will be held on Zoom.
- To gain access, you must provide a valid email address along with your name and PayPal order reference number (you will receive this by email from PayPal after you have made payment).
Further healing seminars will follow along with our therapeutic parenting course and information and guidance seminars for all parents everywhere.
All proceeds from the Lighthouse Project are channelled into further development of low cost services meaning that this will become a self funded channel of support for families affected by relational trauma right across the world.
All of my work on this blog is given freely and always has been since I began to write it in 2009. With a vision which is shared by many colleagues, to provide healing and help to families, this will be the direction we will travel from now on.
To join this first healing seminar – book here
With love from the Lighthouse.
Karen Woodall - Psychotherapist, Writer, Researcher, Trainer 
Will the webinar be recorded? Unfortunately, I cannot participate live.
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We won’t be recording this one Steffi but we will do something else recorded that you will be able to access. K
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Karen like many other parents here I left my Ex due to his infidelity when our kids were 6 months old and 3½ y/o. I also had a 13 y/o from a seperate marriage. After I experienced some huge losses such as my current marriage came to an unexpected end, my sister passed away une pectedly, as well as my Mother 7 months later, as well as my close friend who always helped me monetarily and emotionally with my past custody battles (and their were many), all in the course of a year, My Ex then seized his opportunity to really step up his alienation efforts. My oldest daughter now 31, her husband, and their 4 kids between the two of them, moved in with me during those losses but due to her now ex husband’s drinking and not handling their end of our move in agreement they moved out and She has now aligned herself with my Alienating Ex, whom She never had a relationship with before as She is not related to him. However, her Dad bailed after we seperated when She was 2 and only has sporadic short visits with her throughout her childhood to avoid child support. Now they are the Super parents and I’m all alone as I defend myself from the lies and harassment they try to destroy me with. I became disabled from a tumor when I had my middle child who is now 21 and I’ve been on a limited income while my Ex makes over $250,000 yearly and has Family and Friends who are Lawyers as well as his Dad who would work for the courts occasionally as a professional opinion in Child Abuse. I was nobody in court and he was somebody. Our last round in court was in 2018 after I lost all my emotional and monetary support and I was a vulnerable victim now in court with no representation this time around. My Ex knew it and the commisioner on our case knew it.. After a torturous hearing that was completely one sided, he was given 100% Physical and Legal Custody despite Mediations suggestion i have my time with my kids according to our past orders enforced as I did nothing wrong to deserve his alienation abuse. I went thru extensive background checks as well as another long hearing with no abuse or neglect on my part coming out, yet I was stripped of all my rights. Despite the fact that my kids know deep down that they had a good life with me the courts reinforced Dads alienation and lies when they took my parental rights away. He was always excused of his abuse as well as dismissed of any monetary debt he owed me as well which then made my kids think their must be truth to his alienation efforts. Our youngest is now almost 19 and graduated HS this year and our daughter is 21. She eloped 2 years ago and lives out of the state with her current husband cause she couldn’t handle the idea of a wedding with both sides of family being present. Despite her rejecting me thru her teenage years, when she graduated HS and the weekend She moved out of Dads She finally came to my house and we began healing, or so I thought. She confirmed Dads alienation efforts and much More, however when He learned of our relationship he stepped up his efforts as well as his wife who left her husband to be with my Ex. She was the reason I left my Ex, however i tried to forgive them and work amicably with them for my kids emotional and mental wellbeing. She has alienated her 3 kids too, and has been working diligently on all 3 of my kids with great success. So my daughter eloped to avoid all the issues and She has shunned me again with no reasons. Like many other parents if I write any kind of unwarranted apology letter my Ex will run with it and his Ego will grow more than ever as well as another confirmation being sent to my kids that I must be a bad person. I dont know what to do or how to handle any of this complicated alienation I’m living in. I still make sure my side of the street is clean but it does me no good. Like I said my Ex is maki g over $250,000 yearly and I have nothing. His house is full of life, money, toys, fun, and lies while mine is now empty as I’ve lost all my family which I think encourages his abuse. I dont want to be his victim anymore and I want nothing more than for us to overcome this abuse but no matter what I do or say it falls on deaf ears. What do I do? The courts have been absolutely shady and costly to me as well as wrong with their actions so I don’t feel like I have any family law legal recourse. A couple examples on their part is during our trial the commisioner allowed me to submit/serve, on record, 75 pages of evidence and a 6 page declaration, even stamping it in as evidence, then on our next appearance She denied me submitting anything and refused to allow me to bring up any of it as my defense during our trial. She also dismissed my request to enforce a past judgment from our 2004-08 Trial claiming their was no hearing or judgment, despite me having the transcripts for it as well as me being present at those hearings. I am trying so hard to overcome all these tragedies I’ve endured so my kids can see a strong, honest Mother and Woman however its difficult as I know I have severe depression and ptsd from all their abuse. Can you suggest my next approach with all this as I just can’t give up and move on as many suggest. I love my kids till my dying last breath!
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ground-breaking initiative, karen! As you’ve always maintained…. it’s all about the healing xx
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One of the main drivers of parental alienation is ego. This is the desire to put selfish desires before the needs of a child.
It is often driven by both parents, despite one parent declaring victimhood and eventually losing contact with their children.
(On social media recently a parent who has spent vast amounts of money on a specialist report claiming that they are the victim of parental alienation. At the same time, they are publicly criticising the other parent for insisting that their child wear a covid mask at school. This should make you wonder who the alienator is, who is forcing the child to make the decision as to which parent they are going to live with?)
More often than not both parents have been on the back foot in a battle of egos. The fear and anger and disappointment that develops during relationship breakdown drives the adult into a mental state where self-preservation becomes a paramount consideration.
Now living separate lives in different homes perhaps miles apart there is an element of relief because the paths of the adults are less likely to cross.
However, the remaining link between them is the children and the instinctive behaviour of adult parents is to see themselves as innocent and the former lover as the guilty party or at least proclaim it to be so.
The children, if they are to survive their parents split must be freely able to live and be parented in two separate households, each with a parent who is prepared to continue parenting as if the former parent were not only still around, but also a good parent, all be it with a different outlook on life.
Easy to say, but given the uncertainty of the situation, the fears of both parents, it is a tricky path to follow and one that flounders from time to time.
It takes skill, understanding, empathy, resilience, persistence, compassion. It involves 100% concentration on the child’s needs and activities, perhaps something you didn’t have to do when you lived with your partner because that role fell largely to them, simply because other vital familial roles such as earning money were largely down to you.
Now, there are new rules to learn, and the quicker the better, because if you don’t and are still involved in a battle of ego with your former partner then alienation will be rearing its ugly head, the children being forced to choose which self-opinionated parent they will be safest with or which one they can afford to lose………..a painful, splitting, contrary experience for them.
You should understand the concept of “Dandlebear bridge” and be able to empathise with both your children and your former partner, resist the temptation to dictate what is right in the other household, learn how to talk to your children in these circumstances.
I look forward to Karen’s course.
…………………
I write this notwithstanding the fact that other forces not least damning reports, orders of the court, family hiding or gone walkabout, or other familial influences may be at play making the practicalities of co-parenting an impossibility for the time being………….don’t give up, the basic tenant of good parenting remains.
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Sorry that should be tenet of good parenting y
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The course is over now. I just wanted to reflect with everyone, especially those who attended.
The course wasn’t what I expected, but nevertheless deeply rewarding mainly because Karen seems to possess a wonderful way of casting the adult ego aside and helping me understand the journey the child is undergoing and what they may need from us most of all.
The Havening technique is something for everybody and struck me as similar to some other self-healing techniques I have found useful. Meditation and Yoga being a couple of them.
I found myself questioning what this had to do with the difficulties encountered when faced with a child that is rejecting you.
One of the most obvious benefits is that being able to self-regulate our emotional well-being helps us to behave and think more rationally and hence behave in more constructive ways and with greater self-assurance/confidence………..which isn’t a bad thing at all!
I still had a nagging feeling in the back of my head that the problem of alienation wasn’t being addressed.
But then Karen started to drill down into what was going on, in the child’s mind and I immediately felt something akin to a shared experience. The impossible predicament only solved by the child choosing one home over another.
What was missing for me? Dandlebear bridge, one of the most important and significant concepts, the umbilical cord that holds the significant attachment of parent and child………the thread of intergenerational connection. If we meet again perhaps this could be a topic of conversation.
Many thanks
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