Since 2019, I have been working with families affected by a child’s alignment and rejection behaviour, using the core sign of psychological splitting as the red flag that a child is not coping with the demands of having to hold two different realities in mind. In doing so, I have studied the way in which children signal that they have the defence of psychological splitting, measuring and monitoring the ways in which their behaviours change when they come under psychological pressure. The focus of my research at Regents University, is the way in which adults who rejected a parent in childhood after divorce and separation, make sense of their experience and my practice with families has continued to develop, most recently including therapeutic parenting training for parents with care of children who have experienced psychological splitting. The focus of all of my work is to understand how to treat children of divorce and separation who are caught between two worlds and how to help them to heal from the relational trauma they are suffering. Whilst this work continues to be located in a quagmire of controversy, (largely caused by people who themselves appear to be using the primitive defences of denial, splitting and projection), we have made significant progress in recent months in determining how to build successful treatment routes.
The core problem for the child who strongly aligns and idealises one parent and as a consequence, rejects and demonises the other, is that they cannot hold both parental realities in mind at the same time. Splitting arises because the child is overwhelmed by the external forces of belief, attitude, emotional and psychological stress and distress which are located in their parents. In short, the child is overwhelmed by the emotional and psychological material which surrounds and infuses the world in which they live, this is either transmitted consciously through deliberate insults, unpleasant statements, lies or misrepresentations of the other parent or unconsciously in the inter-psychic relationship between parent and child. In either of these circumstances, the child is in the impossible position of having their relationship with a parent undermined and the reality of their relationship with that parent being weakened as a result. When one parent deliberately or otherwise, causes fear and anxiety in a child about the other parent’s love and care for them, the child cannot do anything other than conform to the dominant parental discource, this is especially true when a child is in the care of the influencing parent for a greater period than that of the parent in the rejected position. However, it is important to note that for vulnerable children, parents who have less care of the child, can still cause the splitting defence when they use strategies which are designed to pressure the child to conform to their reality.
As psychotherapists, it is essential that we understand what lies beneath the behavioural red flags which denote that a child is struggling with holding two realities in mind. These red flags can be bewildering to anyone who is unfamiliar with them and many parents have expressed concern that their child is suffering from a mental health problem at the onset of psychological splitting. This is not however, a mental health problem or condition but a relational problem which can become a relational trauma if it is not well understood or treated. What the child is doing, when they show the signs of psychological splitting, is showing that they are regressing to an infantile defensive position, which is inappropriate for their age but is in fact a normal response to an abnormal situation. When professionals and parents understand this, the red flag is recognised and the child can be assisted.
The signs of psychological splitting
A child demonstrates that they are using the defense of psychological splitting when they idealise and demonise their parents. This is the end result of a process which also includes behaviours such as ‘switching’ in which the child changes their persona to that which they believe fits what each parent wants (this is the precursor to the behaviours seen in the parentified child, who is often called a ‘people pleaser’). Other behaviours on this spectrum are compartmentalisation, which is when a child holds the part of self which is identified with a parent, away from their own consciousness whilst with the other parent. Splitting occurs when the child can no longer compartmentalise or hold two realities in mind at once. All of these behaviours are signs of attachment maladaptation in relationships, all can be considered to be childhood relational traumas.
The problem of parenting apart
The risk to children of psychological splitting after divorce and separation, is heightened when two parents are unable to see a child in the care of the other parent, this leaves an empty space in the awareness that a parent has about how the child behaves in the care of the other parent, it also requires the child to fill that empty space if a parent demands information. Many cases of psychological splitting in children are triggered by a child filling in the empty space with information about their experience of the other parent which fits what they know a parent wants to hear. This is not that children tell lies as such, although they do lie in circumstances where two parents live apart (I know this because of the work that I do where children tell lies and then retract them), it is because a child is trying to regulate a dysregulated parent by telling that parent what they think they want to hear. The problems caused by parenting apart, if there is an absence of collaboration and communication, is that the child is the person who has to navigate the empty space between their parents and that brings with it its own problems when there is hostility between parents.
Treating the Problem of Psychological Splitting
The defence of psychological splitting in children of divorce and separation is problematic because it causes long term difficulties for the sake of short term attachment maladaptations. What is called ‘parental alienation’ is in reality, a problem of the family attachment system and the child is seen to make short term attachment maladapations using splitting as a way of resolving an impossible dilemma (not being allowed to love both parents because of either fear and anxiety, threat of abandonment, enmeshment or coercive control in the relationship with one parent). When we recognise that splitting is a splitting of the ego (sense of self) first and then a projection of this onto the parents, we understand that the longer term harms which are caused by leaving this unresolved are too great a problem for the child. In recognising this we understand we must act to protect the child, constrain the behaviours of the influencing parent and only then treat the problem. What we are treating is the underlying attachment disruption which has been suffered by the child, by alleviating the pressure upon them caused by the influencing parent. We use structural intervention to protect the child (ameliorating the power a parent has over a child), this is court managed and the responsibility of the Judge in a case, we constrain the behaviours through the use of composite orders (seeking the detailed orders we need to ensure that a parent cannot continue to influence) and then we use an expedited approach to re-introducing the split off ‘object relationship’ in the form of the rejected parent, to enable the child to re-integrate the sense of self as a whole person.
It is the whole self of the child, which we are restoring when we treat the problem of psychological splitting and we are using the split off relationship with the parent in the rejected position to do this. Only when this work is complete do we move onto testing the capacity of the influencing parent to understand and change their behaviours so that the child can be in relationship with both parents without having to return to the paranoid schizoid position which denotes splitting.
For decades, children caught between two worlds have been left to cope without help but this is a problem which when recognised can be treated readily, ensuring that children do not have to live with the legacy of being forced back into an infantile position because of parental harms. Living in no mans land, where their experience has been poorly understood, these children have not been able to speak their experience for far too long. Bringing help, voice and new understanding to this problem, is our goal for 2023.
2023 Resources for Parents
Listening and Learning Circles
These popular online circles are for all parents and grandparents and wider family members in the rejected position, who want to learn more about therapeutic parenting and how it helps alienated children. The only requirement for attendance is curiosity and a willingness to listen and learn and, where you feel you can, share your experience. Facilitated by me, the next six sessions are as follows –
January 24 – 19:00-21:00 GMT
Understanding Latent Vulnerability and How Therapeutic Parenting Helps
This is a circle which focuses upon the longer term needs of children who have suffered induced psychological splitting. Introducing the trauma concept of Latent Vulnerability, the skills to work with children who have suffered attachment disruption, which is seen to cause psychological splitting, will be explored.
Cost £40 – Family and friends can attend for the cost of one place.
Book Here
February 7 – 19:00-21:00 GMT
Supporting Grandparents to find their healing place and power
This circle is for grandparents in families where children align and reject. It is to enable grandparents to understand what is happening to children and how they are well placed to provide the help that children need. Based upon Structural Therapy, this circle will work with hierarchies in families and how to build healthy structures for children both absent, present and returning.
Cost £40 – Family and friends can attend for the cost of one place.
Book Here
February 21 – 19:00-21:00 GMT
Communicating with Alienated Children
Therapeutic Parenting skills can be used even if you are not able to see your children. By understanding the child’s experience, it is possible to find a way of communicating which can trigger change in your child’s responses to you. Based upon the successful circle held in 2022, ‘Writing to your Alienated Child’ which has produced a significant number of reports of successful reconnection following use of the strategies shared in that circle, this circle will expand upon communication strategies using creativity and curiosity as well as therapeutic parenting skills
Cost £40 – Family and friends can attend for the cost of one place.
Book Here
March 7 – 19:00 -21:00 GMT
Introduction to Therapeutic Parenting Skills
This is an introductory session for parents who are new to therapeutic parenting. Using basic skills as a starter, we will explore how understanding the self as a therapeutic parent, changes the way that you signal your position to your child. Whilst this is an introductory session, all parents are encouraged to join this circle to build up shared momentum for knowledge and skills amongst rejected parents. This develops the capacity of the rejected parent community to assist other parents who are new to this experience.
Cost £40 – Family and friends can attend for the cost of one place.
Book Here
March 21 – 19:00-21:00
Helping the Parentified Child
Parentification is one of the key problems facing children who are manipulated in divorce and separation, it is a covert manipulation which can be difficult to spot, precisely because, as Dr Steve Miller always pointed out, it looks like a close and loving relationship.
There is no need to be helpless in the face of the parentified child however and, because the relational networks in the brain are constantly open to change, learning how to help the parentified child is a powerful tool to have at the ready for any parent who has been forced into the rejected position.
This circle will focus upon understanding how parentified children behave and how to operationalise strategies to help them.
Cost £40 – Family and friends can attend for the cost of one place.
Book Here
April 4 – 19:00-21:00
What is really happening when a child rejects a parent outright
The evidence is clear that a child who rejects a parent outright after divorce and separation, is not doing so because that parent is abusive. Instead, it is the parent to whom the child is aligned who is causing harm and it is the alignment we should be looking at because it is this which is abusive to the child. It is abusive because, even though it looks like love, it is a fear based response which is underpinned by the biological imperative to survive. In the framework of latent vulnerability, what we are seeing when a child aligns in this way, is a child who is already vulnerable in the parental relationship, succumbing to underlying disorganised attachments. This circle will explore the reality of what happens when a child rejects a parent and will focus on how therapeutic parenting can assist the child to recover.
Cost £40 – Family and friends can attend for the cost of one place.
Book Here
Online Courses for Parents
Holding Up A Healthy Mirror
This popular Therapeutic Parenting Course will be available on demand shortly.
Higher Level Understanding
This live course for those who have completed HUAM either live with me in 2022 or on demand in 2023, will be delivered three times over the coming year, I will announce the next delivery shortly.
Trainings for Parent Coaches
I will deliver a training for coaches who wish to use therapeutic parenting with clients in the first half of 2023 and will announce delivery in the coming weeks here.
Trainings and Resources for Practitioners
We are in the process of developing a suite of trainings and resources for practitioners which will be delivered from a dedicated training platform, I will update when these are ready here.
Instructing the Family Separation Clinic in Court
We regret that we cannot accept any instructions from the lower courts in 2023. High Court instructions for clinical trials for therapy in cases where children have been found to have been emotionally and psychologically harmed can be accepted, please do not propose the Clinic without enquiring about our availability first. Please see here for enquiries
Karen Woodall 
Unfortunately, I will be at work. I’m wondering if these will be recorded?
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I will message you separately Caron x
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Hi Karen,
This is the most concise and meaningful explanation I’ve read about alienation! I’m a psychologist in Australia and feel as if I have read every single book and article published- and yet this post is the one that makes the most meaning and critically – is solution focused, systemic and completely avoids the polarised narratives of so much I’ve read.
If I had a magic wand, I would come to the UK and train in depth with you and Nick. Since I don’t have a magic wand, I am anxiously awaiting your professional training materials.
Thank you for your leadership in this complex treatment space .
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Hi Karen, I did your HUAHM course this summer but still feel a bit foggy on how to write to my child–missed the listening circle on the topic due to work conflict 😦
Will the listening circle on Communicating with AC cover the same content, and are they recorded ?
Thanks so much!
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A child’s survival in No Man’s Land: (nicely said) For every Child living in a Paradox Where Parental inner Conflicts Torments the Soul of Those Living in the Shadows and Finally Lose Their Own Identity!
Best of Hyacinth Bucket’s Name Mispronunciation | Keeping Up Appearances
It really is a hostile environment where the parent has two faces and always putting their best into training ”mirror neurons” and shaping the mask of innocence.
As long as those inner conflicts dominate the parent’s impulsive behavior nothing will change, because the allostatic load builds up as long the outside world is in sight, but when the door closes the phantom of the opera will return with an outburst of negative emotions!
I have read something about that with parents in therapy and those outbursts are getting more violent after each session, the rest of the family then begs to stop therapy. Most defensive parents have a passive-aggressive counterpart that kick’s in and is used as a tool (instrumental aggression) to accomplish tier goals.
Vechtscheidende ouders en hun kinderen (Justine van Lawick)
Divorcing parents and their children (Justine van Lawick)
In the Lorentzhuis, center for systemic therapy, training, and consultation in Haarlem, several experienced system therapists became involved and educators caught up in the destructive struggles of divorced parents.
What often works in couples therapy turned out not to work here. distrust, suspicion, and a defensive attitude prove to be a safe working relationship, necessary for psychotherapy to be effective frustrating, or impossible. Juridification of the battle complicates the whole thing: soon another is threatened with a lawsuit, a complaint, or summary proceedings. The references are frequent of stuck professionals, including mediators who believe that the pathology of these people makes their work impossible. Or desk Youth care and family supervisors seek our help to fight the destructive battle between the parents and in the interests of the children a better one to achieve cooperation. Also, other colleagues, lawyers, the Advice and Reporting Center for Child Abuse and Neglect (AMK), Domestic Support Centre Violence (SHG), general practitioners, and social workers appeal to us in this destructive relationship problem.
Despite our expertise, efforts, intervision, and work we did not know of two therapists for a number of divorced parent couples to achieve a positive result. Because we worried a lot about the children of these fighting parents, we contacted the Child and Youth Trauma Center (KJTC). In the KJTC, the experienced struggle therapists with the other side of the same coin: many children are run with a wide variety of complaints and symptoms trapped in their parents’ messy divorce. In the KJTC it turned out it is not quite possible to treat these children if the context is not changed. Psychotherapy of the children even appears to be an aggravation of the complaints: the children go even more and feel the destructive and powerless position they are in. They learn to express themselves, but at home, they cannot express themselves, because every emotional expression ammunition can form in the parental conflict. In the KJTC people were coming to the conclusion that the focus should be on the parents: they had to form a better team first.
So the Lorentz House was looking for the KJTC and the KJTC was looking for the Lorentz House: a successful link was established in the form of the project for divorcing parents and their children. This article covers the theoretical background and the practice of the project.
Click to access Vechtscheidende-ouders-en-hun-kinderen-justine-van-lawick.pdf
But in my opinion, it is because the partner doesn’t set their boundaries at the first outburst and that is the reason that the next outburst is getting more violent after each session, this is a very difficult struggle for not only the family but also the therapist.
Vechtscheidende ouders – Wie zijn dat?
Divorcing Parents – Who Are They?
KIM SCHOEMAKER, ANNELIES DE KRUIJFF, RACHEL VAN DER RIJKEN, ESTHER KLUWER, HANS BOM, JUSTINE VAN LAWICK, MARGREET VISSER, CATRIN FINKENAUER
9 September 2015
Summary
High-conflict divorce is given much attention, yet what are the characteristics of parents involved in high-conflict divorce? There is no clear definition and little is known about this group. This article describes high-conflict divorce families, who participated in the ‘Kinderen uit de knel’ [No Kids in the Middle] intervention. The group turns out to be very diverse, in particular regarding the type and duration of the relationship as well as the moment when the divorce deteriorates into a high-conflict divorce. For the greater part, they are young families with relatively highly educated parents, for whom divorce often has major consequences with regard to their income. The main reasons for a divorce are poor communication, conflicts, and new relationships. Often parents lose sight of their children’s interests, and the children are the ones to suffer: almost all of them receive treatment. Interventions are aimed at helping parents to focus again on their children, taking into account the great diversity typical of this target group.
We are increasingly confronted with confrontational divorces. We regularly hear through the media about tragic family dramas in which confrontational divorce played a major role. Information campaigns calling on network partners to help mitigate the conflict between parents (Ministry of Health, Welfare, and Sport, 2015) also show that this problem is acute and requires a solution. However, a solution is not easily found. Both social workers and researchers are making a lot of effort to get a better grip on the complexity of this target group and the necessary assistance. Despite all the attention there is for confrontational divorces, little is known about it. We don’t know what characterizes parents who are embroiled in a confrontational divorce, what their relationships look like, or how these families are composed. More knowledge about the characteristics of the target group is crucial in order to inform care providers and to develop and improve interventions. In this article, we describe a group of parents and their children who participated in an intervention for confrontational divorces, as a first step toward a better understanding of this target group.
According to Statistics Netherlands (CBS), more than 34,000 children in the Netherlands were involved in the divorce of their parents in 2013 (CBS Youth Monitor, 2013). When children of unmarried parents are added to this, the number is estimated at 70,000 children per year (Spruijt & Kormos, 2010). The exact percentage of confrontational divorces is unknown, but it is estimated that approximately 3,500 children per year have to deal with a confrontational divorce from their parents (Dullaert, 2014a).
The lack of exact numbers can partly be explained by the fact that there is no unequivocal definition of a confrontational divorce. For example, professionals differ on (a) when a divorce is considered a confrontational divorce (at the very beginning or only when the battle gets out of hand), (b) the amount, severity, and type of conflicts (legal, verbal, physically, with each other or about the children) that parents must have with each other in order to discuss a confrontational divorce and (c) the facts that can define a confrontational divorce (counsel involved in the family, legal proceedings).
An unambiguous definition is important to improve communication between professionals and the range of help available to parents and children. To illustrate the diversity, we list a number of definitions. The ombudsman for children (Dullaert, 2014a, p.16) defines a confrontational divorce as follows: ‘If the divorce is so conflictual that the parents lose sight of the interests of the other parent and/or the children’. In a letter to the House of Representatives (July 8, 2014), the KidsInbetween and Parents Apart foundations have proposed the following definition of a confrontational divorce: ‘A confrontational divorce is a parental divorce in which the parents (a) have serious conflicts in the (ex) partner’s positions. ; (b) cease to occupy their parent positions; (c) no longer represent the child perspective; (d) engage their child in their infighting with the result that it negatively impacts their child’s mental health.” From another angle, an American judge gives a very striking example: ‘These are parents who disagree that the sky is blue’ (Sandler, Wheeler & Braver 2013).
The scientific literature examines, among other things, the patterns and content of conflicts in a confrontational divorce. Relationships with extreme levels of conflict can be classified into two clusters, according to Anderson, Anderson, Palmer, Mutchler, and Baker (2010), namely ongoing negative interactions and a hostile emotional environment. The first cluster involves interactions between parents that are persistently negative and are characterized by verbal and physical aggression, rapidly escalating conflicts, defensive communication, and many negative attributions toward the other parent. The hostile emotional environment created by parents – the second cluster – is characterized by strong negative affect, high levels of emotional reactivity from both parents, lack of security, mutual distrust, and triangulation (involving the child in the conflict and compromising the well-being of the child). is lost sight of).
Although the definitions vary widely, the interests and well-being of the children almost always play a role. Our recommendation is therefore that the definition of confrontational divorce should focus on the fact that the parents lose sight of the well-being of the children.
A confrontational divorce can be regarded as a form of child abuse (Van Lawick, 2012). After all, parents involved in a confrontational divorce often fail to understand the effect of their conflicts on their children. Conflict divorces include various aspects of emotional and physical child abuse (such as humiliation, verbal abuse, harassment, social isolation, threats, and rejection), emotional neglect (such as lack of supervision, failure to protect the child in the event of emotional harm, failure to respond to the needs of the child) and witnessing arguments and violence between parents (such as domestic violence). Research shows that children of divorced parents experience more psychosocial problems (such as anxiety, depression, and aggression) and more school-related problems compared to children of intact families, even when there is no conflicting divorce (Amato, 2010). For the majority of children whose parents divorce, the problems decrease two years after the divorce. However, there is a small group of children whose problems do not go away (Hetherington, 2003). In this group, conflicts often persist between the parents after the divorce (Amato & Keith, 1991).
During our work with parents in a confrontational divorce, we were always amazed at the diversity of the people and families involved. This diversity constantly prompted us to adapt the approach and treatment of the families and the questions we asked in our scientific research.
https://www.tijdschriftsysteemtherapie.nl/inhoud/tijdschrift_artikel/ST-27-3-145/Vechtscheidende-ouders-Wie-zijn-dat
Primitive Defenses and Unilateral Termination of Psychotherapy: Are the Lerner Defense Scales Useful in Predicting Premature Termination in Psychotherapy?
https://dsc.duq.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1559&context=etd
Their inner feelings of worthlessness are put to the test by Alfred Adler
Inferiority complex
Inferiority complex is a psychological term for feeling inferior to others. It is the combination of a negative self-image and resulting behaviors. It is an unconscious drive when someone cannot or does not want to realize that it applies to her or himself. Negative self-esteem can have various effects on a person’s behavior. Some adopt a (too) modest attitude or keep themselves (too) aloof in social intercourse, and others overcompensate for the feeling of inferiority by letting themselves and others believe that they are better than others. The latter can lead on the one hand to higher ambitions or a better effort and on the other hand to antisocial or antisocial behavior. Someone who too clearly “inflates himself”, and praises himself, is unpleasant to deal with. Especially if they overcompensate by humiliating others.
When someone denies her/his sense of inferiority by acting superior and believing in it, that is a possible cause of narcissism and in severe cases, it can lead to a narcissistic personality disorder.
Feelings of inferiority can make someone (too) docile. She or he then relies more on others than on herself. An inferiority complex does not only have to involve a feeling of inferiority in relation to others but can also be a feeling of failure in one’s own eyes, in striving for one’s own (too) high, if not unattainable, goals.[1] People who set unattainable goals for themselves are also called perfectionists.[2][3]
Feeling inferior only denotes the feeling of being worth less than others. An inferiority complex indicates that this feeling has consequences for behavior. These consequences can reinforce the feeling of inferiority and thus form a vicious circle.
The term inferiority complex comes from the work of Alfred Adler, who gave the Napoleon complex as an example of overcompensation.
https://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minderwaardigheidscomplex
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I’ve finished this writing stint Bob – let’s talk this week? I’ll email you. K
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I’m looking forward to it
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Hi Bob, will mail you about talking this week. K
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This is molly wright and she is 7 years old, she looks like a miracle but this is the result of a healthy mental and emotional development and a positive identity development because what it shows is that the mentalizing ability of a 7-year-old child along with her social emotional skills many further in her development is as the average professional with a pedagogical background in youth care.
Here is the proof that a 7-year-old child has more sense as the whole youth care together because she literally stands above it without any effort!
https://fb.watch/ie3_PPtvbm/
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Hi Karen, I was hoping to catch the end of this as I’m just finishing working. I don’t see any link. I was wondering if you read my request – I don’t mean to pester you – I just don’t know if it was an oversight, or you are not allowing people to join who can’t afford it. Thank you. Laurie —– Forwarded Message —– From: Laurie Blancher sweetpeachloe1@yahoo.comTo: Karen Woodall comment+2686k56e5t3s96rh28w9_m5@comment.wordpress.comSent: Sunday, January 22, 2023, 12:26:53 PM ESTSubject: Re: [New post] Between Two Worlds: Treating Psychological Splitting in Children of Divorce and Separation Hi Karen,You allowed me in December to join at no cost. I’m wondering if you could offer that on Tuesday. I am still- quite literally- broke- from my legal hell. I would venture to guess that my ex is among the worst of the worst. He has made it his life’s mission to take my daughter, brainwash her against me and has financially destroyed me. I work full time and have a graduate degree. I’m in the appellate division right now praying for a change as I’m paying him child support – he’s very very wealthy. I’m in line at the food pantry at the local church at the moment. I humbly request this courtesy for the time being. I think you are so spot on. As a reminder I was in close contact w Steve Miller Who was going to potentially be a witness.Thank you – Laurie Sent from my iPhone
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I am not quite sure what you are referring to Laurie, email me at karen@karenwoodall.blog, let’s see if we can work it out? K
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