“We do as we have been done by.”
― John Bowlby
We are almost at the end of 2023 and at the same time, we are at the beginning of something very new and exciting in our work with families affected by a child’s alignment and rejection behaviour in divorce and separation. Having arrived in late 2023, at a place where all of the work that has been done over the past decade is now properly curated, we are working on case studies of outcomes using the model developed by the Family Separation Clinic, which will be accompanied by the voices of formerly alienated children who are now adults speaking for themselves and other children who are at risk of being harmed. As we go into the New Year therefore, I will be completing the first in a series of new books about our work from the perspective of Childhood Relational Trauma, setting out our treatment protocols and our tool kits for parents in the rejected position as well as our training for professionals working with families affected by this problem.
2024 is a year of outputs at the Family Separation Clinic, including a conference in the Summer in the UK (more news on that shortly) and an expansion of our training in Therapeutic Parenting for parents in the rejected position. This training, which has been developed in clinical practice with families both inside and outside of the family court process, has demonstrated repeatedly over the past three years, that what we are working with is an onset of a situational disorganised attachment behavioural pattern which has distinct markers and which can be responded to effectively using an adapatation of contemporary trauma treatment protocols. I will be writing more about this in the coming weeks, sharing excerpts from our new work and helping you to understand how to build your own trauma responsive toolkit to help your child.
With our online courses which are being delivered in the UK, Europe, Canada, USA and now Australia, New Zealand and Hong Kong, we are setting out on a new journey to build a Therapeutic Parenting school for parents as well as an online Childhood Relational Trauma hub for professionals. With long term investment support, we know we can bring this project to fruition and that the goal of putting healing into the hands of parents in the rejected position, (who we have long known are the best therapists for alienated children), and the training of professionals in this model, is within reach.
Building your Toolkit
Since we released information about our Therapeutic Parenting training for the Winter months 2024, we have had many enquiries about which course is most suitable for you. This section therefore, helps you to decide which course will support you to build your own TP toolkit and at the same time support your own healing from this trauma which is caused by the helplessness of being a parent in the rejected position.
The route you will follow when you work with us, is based upon contemporary trauma recovery protocols which have been adapted to fit the needs of this group of families, this stepwise route looks like this –
- Understanding what has happened to your child and to you
- Recovering from the reactive trauma triggered by the child’s behaviours
- Healing from past attachment trauma which made you vulnerable to control behaviours in the past
- Integrating parts of self which have been left behind by previous traumas
- Building a stronger ego and resilient self
- Learning new skills to help your children to heal
- Responding to your child’s situational disorganised attachment behaviours
- Maintaining a healthy presence in your child’s life
Each of our courses is designed to enable you to move through this stepwise recovery route and support your healing and learning as you go. All of our courses are experiential, which means that you will work with other parents who have suffered rejection by a child but they are also active trauma recovery groups, which means that each session is facilitated to ensure that movement towards integrative health is supported. These groups are places of healing as well as building towards new skill sets for use with your children. Whether you are currently able to see your children or you have no current contact at all, the purpose of the groups are to enable depth recovery from family attachment trauma by working with your own family system.
Choosing the Right Course
Holding up a Healthy Mirror
For now the entry point to all of our training is our Holding up a Healthy Mirror Course (HUAHM) which is being delivered live for UK/Europe/USA and Canada timezones. HUAHM is a four part course which is a stepwise introduction to trauma recovery utilising the steps of stabilisation, anchoring, Learning and operationalising as four cornerstones for an introduction to Therapeutic Parenting for children of divorce and separation. If you are new to Therapeutic Parenting or this way of thinking about alienated children and families, this is the entry course for you.
You can book for HUAM which is running for Australian/NZ/Hong Kong timezones Here
And for HUAM for UK/Europe/USA & Canada timezones Here
(please note that if you are in UK/Europe and the Australian/NZ/Hong Kong timezone suits you better you are very welcome to join that course).
LIghthouse Keeping Survivor Support Group
This is a therapy group which is designed for those who are in the early stages of trauma recovery, it will focus entirely upon provision of depth support to parents and family members who find themselves in the early stages of this family attachment trauma or those who have become so traumatised by the experience that there is a repeated sense of helplessness and hopelessness which prevents forward movement towards coping and recovery. This is also a group for those parents who have been severely impacted by coercive control, for whom forward movement feels impossible due to the internalised anxiety which control behaviours induce. This will be a psychodynamically focused group in which early experiences in childhood will be excavated as part of a process of stabilising the self and preparing to learn how to anchor from dysregulation. The group will be closed for each six session cycle meaning that we will be working to provide maximum safety and predictability to support your recovery journey. This group is for you if you feel that you need ongoing support to work on grief, anger, reactive splitting and anxiety.
You can book for the Lighthouse Keeping Surviving Support Group Here
(Due to time constraints this group will only run for UK/Europe and USA & Canada timezones this term but we will expand this in the coming months to include Australia/NZ and Hong Kong timezones).
Higher Level Therapeutic Parenting
This is our core group for those who are seeking to build a comprehensive skill set upon a strong foundational knowledge of this family attachment trauma. It is only open to those who have completed HUAHM as it requires the four cornerstone skills which are taught in HUAHM as well as the capacity to self regulate. This course has a focus upon working with the language of parts, a concept developed from our therapeutic work with alienated children which enables a depth recovery from the harm caused by triangulation into adult matters. Featuring contemporary attachment trauma protocols and adapted structural family therapy concepts, this course builds into a comprehensive toolkit for responding to situational disorganised attachment behaviours in alienated children both in the early, mid and recovery stages of this behavioural pattern.
You can book for the Australia/NZ and Hong Kong Course Here
And the UK/Europe/USA & Canada Course Here
Listening and Learning Circles
Our Listening and Learning Circles are for anyone who is working with us or who has worked with us in the past and would like to drop in and reflect on learning or practice new skills or simply listen in to others working on different issues. Each session begins with an issue related to alienated children and familiers and then expands to allow for discussion and sharing. All circles are facilitated by me assisted by Michelle and Lorna, who also run their own communications workshop which is designed to support your development.
Listening Circle Topics
29th January – Understanding reactive splitting for parents in the rejected position
12th February – Understanding teenagers and disorganised attachment
26th February – Recovery Journies
11th March – Writing to your alienated child
Time: 8.30am -10.30am UK time for Australia/New Zealand and Hong Kong
6pm – 8pm UK time for UK, USA and Canada
Cost £40 per person (£20 per hour) buy one ticket, share with two family/friends
BOOK HERE
What People are Saying About Our Courses
Since we began delivering Therapeutic Parenting Courses in 2020, almost five hundred parents have completed work with us and many have come back to work through a course for a second and sometimes even a third time. Our courses are experiential, which means that we work therapeutically with live material and as psychotherapists we help you to build new relational skills to heal from this trauma, build strong coping skills and then learn how to work with your child through recovery of your relationship and beyond. This is what some people have said about the impact of our courses in 2023 –
Janie – Mum to three children aged 22, 25, 27
I hadn’t seen my children for seven years and had lost all hope of seeing them properly ever again. Not only am I seeing them, I am healing them, I am actually helping them to recover from the awful anxiety and confusion they have suffered because of what their father had done to them. Just small things, like understanding why they act the way they do, have helped me stay sane in the middle of all of this. Knowing that I can come back and work with you again, knowing where to go to read about this stuff and knowing that what they are doing and saying is normal for what they have been through has been an absolute eye opener for me.
Martin – Dad to two children aged 16 & 19
This is it, this is what I have been missing, this way of understanding my kids and learning not to take it personally, even learning why I ended up being rejected and how to wait for them to be able to come and find me, all of it has changed how I feel about myself and how I feel about the future.
Arie – Mum to one child aged 14
Oooh I can see what I need to do now and it isn’t so frustrating, I can see how he did this to me and to our daughter and how rotten it is for her and how I need to stand still and keep signalling that I am here, that I can cope, that I have strength and that she can rely on me when she can get free. All of this learning has made what was the most horrendous experience, more bearable and more manageable. Finding a group of people who understand and the kindness and support that comes with that is such a relief.
Imran – Dad to two children aged 19 & 22
They came home for the first time two weeks ago, they were there in my living room and my mum was there too and they were smiling and talking and it felt as if all of the past had just disappeared. I felt so many things, I felt happy and sad and then angry and then happy again and I knew that all of those things were normal and I knew what to do with those feelings so that they didn’t get in the way. It works, it really works, these are often just tiny pieces of knowledge alongside great big adjustments to my behaviours around them and then bingo, the door opens and they are back. I didn’t believe you when you said that parents like me are the best therapists for our children but I do now.
Karen Woodall - Psychotherapist, Writer, Researcher, Trainer 