In November 2023 formerly alienated children who were removed from an abusive parent in what is called residence transfer in the UK private law system, told their stories at an event for policy makers held in the Palace of Westminster. Now those adult children, are ready to tell their stories to a wider audience and to speak about what it is like to be isolated and abused in a world which has consistently tried to deny their reality.
Children of divorce and separation are caused grave harm when they are triangulated into parental feelings about the divorce and the alignment and rejection behaviour seen in some children, often hides other harms as well. For children who are removed from abusive parents and transferred to live with the other, once rejected safe parent, the fear and anxiety caused by the abusive parent is a repeated narrative which is heard when they feel safe enough to speak about what was done to them.
Josh is now 25 years old and is about to begin his training as a social worker. The story of his removal from his mother who caused him serious harm, to live with his father who helped him to heal, is told in the book Please Let me See My Son by Thomas Moore. Josh is now writing his own story to give the child’s perspective and to help others to understand the urgent need to recognise and respond to the needs of children suffering from this hidden form of abuse.
Josh will be speaking about his experience in events being held by the Family Separation Clinic in 2024 more news of which comes soon.
Karen Woodall - Psychotherapist, Writer, Researcher, Trainer 
Children in the UK of school age often benefit from lessons – for want of a better word – which inform them of what abuse and contemporary dangers look like and who they can turn to if they feel unsafe or vulnerable. An example might be ‘stranger danger’ ‘internet based bullying’ ‘drugs’ and FGM and do on. I wonder what positive impact might come from children being informed of the dangers they may face during divorce and separation. Ie what is cohesive control, gas lighting and the risk of making false allegations – even when mum or dad are ‘forcing / encouraging’ such behaviour???
Maybe the way ahead also involves providing children with the tools to understand what this kind of abuse is and the consequences rather than waiting for the penny to drop with policy makers, judges, and ill informed court advisors who are all to often already manipulated or simply following the ideological narrative promulgated by certain groups.
Perhaps if children have the tools and knowledge to recognise this form of abuse before divorce or separation then if the time comes, children might have the ability to speak up and have their voice heard in a safe space – in advance of, and away from ideological narratives.
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Hi Rob,
I’m guessing you mean well but this isn’t a child’s problem to deal with, a better option would be for the social workers, school teachers, family lawyers, sheriffs, courts and the law to recognise this abuse in the first place and proactively work to prevent and address the harms, rather than further pulling children into resolving an adult matter.
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The problem is that until now law enforcement, courts, and the mental health industry have completely failed our children, and it only seems to be getting worse. I think the idea of giving these kids agency to help save themselves is a brilliant idea. A huge part of the abuse they endure is being adultified, so maybe we need to counter this abuse in a similar (but much more appropriate and compassionate) way. My son was reading court documents and police reports at 11 and helping his father search for an attorney to try to terminate my parental rights at 12. If he had learned from an impartial adult in a school setting that what he was experiencing was abuse, this may have given him the tools to help himself.
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I think you have hit the nail on the head here Erica, one of my big concerns is that in allowing recovering alienated children to be the leaders of adults we enable the continuation of their abuse – which is why we are going this very carefully, amplifying their voices and learning from them but also protecting them from being the ones who lead this. These children have already lost their childhood, to lose their young adulthood by being the ones that parents in the rejected position look to and depend upon would be tragic for them and so we are taking the responsibility to put their stories out whilst ensuring that they are not placed in a position where parents in the rejected position see them as saviours, they are not, they are recovering young people who have been abused and they still need our help.
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Hi Karen,
After reading one of your recent posts I bought Thomas Moore’s book and read it entirely within 24 hours of starting it.
It rang true to my own experiences of lawyers, court and watching my ex twist everything I did/said with the sole purpose of pushing my own children to rejecting me and their wider paternal family, even down to the ex-military, over bearing father in law and controlling mother in law.
Despite all my attempts to bring this to the attention of the court/lawyers the result was decided long in advance of any divorce proceedings and looking back I can now see the patterns of control, manipulation and abuse.
There is little in law to address this and what is there is inadequate.
It was telling how broken the system is, particularly considering it took 11 years to recognise the abuse and address it. Sadly my own children have “aged out” of the system, only having 4 and 6 years for my eldest 2 to reach 16 respectively it is now clear to me they didn’t stand a chance and I didn’t have the time.
I decided not to pursue any further pyrrhic victories in court and I’m working on my lighthouse instead.
Please could you pass on my thanks and admiration to Thomas and “David” for publishing this story, it put into words what I had witnessed and experienced.
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If alienated children who had to grow up being a rationalizing adult subconsciously use their parents divorce as an excuse to be women hating, beat their partners, and say things like, “no woman for life”, what does it even mean?
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