Our work at the Family Separation Clinic is increasingly focused upon a model of intervention which involves the parent in the rejected position as a key component of therapeutic care for children who have suffered from induced psychological splitting in divorce and separation. This is a relational model, which incorporates Object Relations Theory for understanding what is happening in the family system, Attachment Theory for understanding the impact on the child’s relational capacity, plus Relational Trauma and Structural Therapy for understanding how to respond to the within a setting where the family system is fragmented and maladapted. In addition to these elements, adapted therapeutic parenting training is given to the parent in the rejected position in circumstances where they are identified as interested and able to take up a new way of parenting their child, this training includes learning how to understand and use a new approach to understanding the symbolic language of alienated children and respond to it in a way which promotes integration of part selves.
This model identifies the healthy parent in the family affected by a child’s alignment and rejection response and utilises the attachment between that parent and the child as a cornerstone for therapeutic intervention. This parent takes up the position of anchor to the intervention, providing kinship care where it is necessary (when the child is being abused by the parent to whom they are aligned), this anchor placement incorporates routine, consistency, curiosity and high attunement to the child’s disorganised attachment behaviours.
This model is based upon social work child protection procedures and works with moderate to severely alienated children who are found in Court to be in emotionally and/or psychologically abusive relationships with a parent. Children in such circumstances are recognised by the Family Separation Clinic as having suffered relational trauma, which occurs in interpersonal relationships and can cause a culmulative impact in developmental terms (Cruz, Lichten, Berg & George, 2022).
Disorganised attachment behaviours are seen in children who have suffered abuse and neglect and the Family Separation Clinic identifies children who have been in the care of a parent who has violated interpersonal boundaries through behaviours such as enmeshment or coercive control (amongst other behaviours), as abused AND neglected children. The abuse of the child is exposure to dynamics which overwhelm the child’s right to an independent sense of self, the neglect of the child is caused by the positioning of the healthy parent at the margins of the child’s life, leaving the child without the healthy parenting they are entitled to receive.
Disorganised attachment behaviour explains very well why children who are said to be alienated behave in recognisable ways. Dan Siegal talks below on the terrorising of children and the result of that on the fragmentation of the internal sense of self. Acting out behaviours which result in an inability to understand other people’s feelings, lead to difficulty in forming relationships further down the line. Understanding the disorganised attachment behaviours in alienated children however, require further understanding of how children who are exposed to terrorising behaviours in circumstances where they cannot escape due to the power a parent holds over them, will maladapt their behaviours to soothe and regulate the frightening or unpredictable caregiver. What this looks like is a child who is strongly aligned to a parent who is recognised by others as being abusive and strongly rejecting of a parent who is recognised as healthy.
Training Parents to Provide Therapeutic Anchoring
As a psychotherapist with fifteen years experience in working with alienated children and their families, I have long been aware that the therapy which is necessary for children in these circumstances is that which addresses underlying attachment disorders. I have also been aware that the best person to provide therapeutic anchoring for the alienated child is a parent in the rejected position. This is because recovery from relational trauma, is always achieved through relationships and the best therapeutic anchor for recovery from this relational trauma is a healthy parent with whom the child has an attachment. Training parents in therapeutic parenting, to be an effective therapeutic anchor in a team approach with a therapist skilled in understanding and holding all of the elements of understanding of this family attachment trauma, is therefore the best route to enabling recovery.
Anchoring the Parent in order to Anchor the Child
Anchoring parents in the rejected position requires an understanding of the reactive splitting trauma they have suffered, as a result of being rejected by their child in circumstances where they have been helpless to prevent the onset of the child’s disorganised attachment responses to abuse. In such circumstances a depth understanding and deep respect for the often complex trauma response which is experienced by the parent, is a necessary condition for delivery of support by the therapist. It is not enough for a parent to hear from a therapist that they understand the problem, the therapist must be able to demonstrate their understanding through the building of an empathic partnership with the parent which is committed to supporting the parent to recover from the impact of relational trauma . Parents in the rejected position are abused people who are often good enough parents but who have suffered serious relational trauma at the hands of a parent who is skilled at manipulation of others. Futhermore, the societal conflict and controversy which is manufactured around this serious harm of children, denies these victims of coercive and manipulative abuse the acknowledgement they deserve, whilst campaigners against the concept of maternal manipulation of children in divorce, seek to project blame at them. The concentric circles of abuse which is suffered by parents in the rejected position should therefore not be under estimated and the preparation and support given to them should be significant.
The following diagram explains the impact of relational trauma which occurs when children reject parents and the input which is necessary to enable parents take up the position of therapeutic parent in order to provide anchoring for the alienated child in recovery. ( Excerpt from Family Separation Clinic Social Work Training Pathway -Therapeutic Parenting Training for Parents in the Rejected Position 2023/24)
References
Cruz, D., Lichten, M., Berg, K., & George, P. (2022). Developmental trauma: Conceptual framework, associated risks and comorbidities, and evaluation and treatment. Frontiers in psychiatry, 13, 800687. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2022.800687
Family Separation Clinic News
We have a number of planned developments in process currently which means that our delivery of our Therapeutic Parenting Courses entitled Holding up a Healthy Mirror and Higher Level Understanding will be delivered again from June 2024.
International Symposium centering the testimony of adult children removed from abusive parents in residence transfer in the UK Family Courts – Cambridge University September 2024
This gathering of international expertise in working with relational trauma in children of divorce and separation will be centered upon the live testimony of adults who as children were removed from abusive parents in what is called ‘residence transfer’ in the UK. This event will be for professionals such as social workers, therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists, the police and others involved in child protection to attend in person but will be live streamed for parents and wider family members. Bookings will be open shortly.
Watch on Demand Services
We are currently recording our watch on demand services which includes seminars, courses and resources for parents. Courses and resources for professionals will be recorded and made available in the coming months.
Choosing Yourself When Your Parents Separate – A Guide Book for Children and Young People
Written by a recovered alienated child who is now a young adult, this guidebook will be available shortly. Providing a stepwise approach to critical thinking and psychological and emotional understanding of how coercive control between children and parents feels, the book builds skills for avoiding being triangulated into adult matters in family separation.
Spring Seminars With Karen Woodall
After a techinical hitch on Saturday 13th April, our Spring Seminar No 2 – Think Like a Therapeutic Parent will go ahead this coming Saturday 20th April. As a result bookings are still open here.
Listening Circles
Our technical hitch extended to Monday 15th which means that the Listening Circle called Identification with the Aggressor – Coercive Control in the Lives of Children of Divorce and Separation will go ahead on Monday 22nd and you can book here.
Regular listening circles will resume to support the delivery of our therapeutic parenting courses in June 2024.
The Handbook of Therapeutic Parenting for Alienated Children by Karen Woodall
This handbook introduces the model of therapeutic work which is utilised at the Family Separation Clinic and provides a guide to therapeutic parenting for children of divorce and separation which can be used by parents as well as professionals.
An accompanying workbook will be published alongside the handbook and both will be published in time for the Symposium in September 2024.
Karen Woodall - Psychotherapist, Writer, Researcher, Trainer 